Assuming you aren’t privy to the nature of celebrity relationships in which you aren’t a welcome third party, let’s begin with a primer in the shape of a perfect circle, or, perhaps more fittingly, an imperfect butt. 

Diplo and Katy Perry are [allegedly] fucking. Diplo and Lorde have worked together in the past and seem like mates who go fishing. Lorde and Taylor Swift are also friends. Taylor Swift has bad blood with Katy Perry and approx. zero badonkadonk. Katy Perry would appear to have badonkadonk. Diplo love him some badonkadonk. 

See? Just like a butt. 

Diplo – the one doing sex to Katy Perry; keep up – tweeted yesterday that he wanted to start a crowd-funding initiative to purchase Taylor Swift ass augmentation surgery. Someone acquiesced, creating a Fundly campaign that at the time of writing has $85 of the required $3500, and a picture of Taylor Swift’s face photoshopped onto Nicki Minaj’s anaconda. 

Other than having an arguably exemplary posterior, Nicki Minaj has little to nothing to do with what follows. Exit Onika stage left. 

Enter Lorde stage right, who today is making headlines not only for this saucy Live Lounge cover of Jeremih’s ‘Don’t Tell Em’, but for calling out Diplo’s misguided philanthropy by suggesting we also do something about his “tiny penis”.  

Admirable though her sentiments are, they are, unfortunately, incorrect. We have it on good authority from a very reliable source that Lorde’s summation of the size of Diplo’s docus is “NOT TRUE”. 

What is true, however, is that Katy Perry is currently in Australia on tour, will be “appearing” at this month’s ARIA awards and also appears to be continuing to subtweet Taylor Swift as part of their ongoing feud over the poaching an Australian tour dancer. 

If we hadn’t already, now we truly have come full butt circle. 

Here’s a picture of Lorde fighting a diplodocus. No matter the size of your penis or booty, have a gr8 day all the same.

saw a diplodocus so figured i should treat it how i treat my big bro @diplo ??????

A photo posted by Lorde (@lordemusic) on

Photo by Larry Busacca/Getty Images for NARAS