Here’s a bit of good news to get your heart racing faster than an online PT session – Lindsay Lohan has teased new music this year. I’m at full-blown panic stations in my pink sweat pants here, people. Need I repeat: LINDSAY LOHAN IS BACK AFTER FIFTEEN YEARS.

Yep, it’s been 15 whole years since she last dropped an actual, proper song. 2005. The year that the first YouTube video was uploaded, Live 8 happened, “sexting” and “microblogging” were new words, and Lindsay Lohan dropped her second album, A Little More Personal (RAW).

It was the year after Mean Girls changed our lives and “fetch” kiiiinda happened, and Lindsay Lohan was at the top of her game.

But now, in 2020, in the heat of a pandemic and global shutdown, Lindsay’s cleared her Instagram feed (a real tell) and dropped this vague video, which simply says: “I’m back.”

My skin has been cleared, my sheets washed, and my hair detangled purely from this 30 seconds of paparazzi shots and that one video of Lindsay dancing at her short-lived beach club in Mykonos. Please, for the love of Christ, let it be that long-teased official release of ‘Xanax’. PLEASE.

Whatever it is, I am HERE FOR IT. This is the content that I crave, as I drag my lethargic sack of meat and bones from bed to the couch and back again, wishing that someone from The Before Times would come and save me from myself. I wasn’t expecting it to be Lindsay Lohan releasing new music, but here we are. I’m not about to complain about a sudden return of the queen herself.

At this time of dire times where we feel so utterly deprived of angsty 00s pop, I’m hoping and praying that Lindsay Lohan’s new music will give us all the release we need; in a reprised 2020 version of ‘Rumours’. It’s what we as a collective planet need and also deserve.

Lindsay’s kept bloody tight-lipped on this one, I tell you what. There’s an option to pre-save an unnamed song (???) with no actual release date or anything. But you do get a sweet Lohan playlist on Spotify to tide you over.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch that clip for ‘Over’ about 12 times and weep into my cheese fries.