Like a crusty old white guy and a veritable menagerie of obnoxious musical theatre children with disproportionally large mouths – and hearts – something smelling faintly of stale morning breath and a maniacal willingness to please has come between beige pop music coupling Katy Perry and John Mayer, who have reportedly broken up.

According to E!!!1, A. Source close to the pair has “exclusively” confirmed that “Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days” and that “no other details about what prompted the decision were forthcoming.”

The couple started exchanging bodily fluids publicly in the summer of 2012 and devoted themselves to non-committal displays of affection over the course of their brief sexual congress – breaking up, before reconciling, before breaking up again in March last year, before getting back together again, before breaking up again this week. Only last week, Perry was spotting wearing a diamond ring on her diamond ring finger. 

The Ross and Rachel of Inoffensive Acoustic Candy Pop – she, a mercurial fashionista with great hair; he, a scrub widely acknowledged to be the fucking worst – recently collaborated on a song for Mayer’s latest album titled ‘Who You Love[?]’

The answers, evidently: themselves, breaking up, diamonds and themselves [in that order].

Photo: Astrid Stawiarz via Getty