It’s official; we now have proof that mainstream pop music makes you a better person after a study in the Netherlands concluded that twelve-year-olds who were into hip-hop, metal, gothic, punk, trance or techno/hardhouse were more likely to commit acts of delinquency than kids who listen to pop or classical music. Unfortunately that means that if you’re reading this, you too are probably a horrible person and blight on our society.
Following 300 Dutch youths over a 4-year period the study concluded that “Music is the medium that separates mainstream youth from young people who may more easily adopt norm-breaking behaviors.” They also suggest that “in peer groups
characterized by their deviant music taste, a norm-breaking youth may ‘infect’ their friends with their behavior.”
Does that mean it’s too late for fans of credible and alternative music or will a new and sustained diet of pop hits cleanse what’s left of your corrupted soul? Before you retort “Fuck that, I would cut One Direction!”, I beg you to refrain. That’s just what these learned boffins want and what they expect. We conducted a study of our own and we were able to draw a link between Dutch
academics and ridiculous surveys after we found a similarly damning report from the Netherlands that linked listening to loud music with illegal drug use and unsafe sex practices.
“I thought I heard him put a condom on. It must have been my tinnitus.”
As inconsequential as the results may seem – you turned out fine, right -, it’s got me thinking… Is that quiet mustachioed dude with non-prescription specs that you always bump into at the a coffee shop just another evasive hipster or is he hiding something… like murder! It’s all there in his iPod. You’ve been warned.
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