Pop singer, social media mogul, Fedora aficionado and play actor Justin Timberlake has said ‘Like, I Love You,‘ ‘This I Promise You‘ and ‘I do‘ to his Celebrity Girlfriend/all around Señorita Jessica Biel, confirming the fears of fans everywhere who thought they were still in with a chance at being one half of what we’re now required by law to call Jussica Timbiel/Jesstin Bielake.
After tearing up each other’s hearts for five years, the happy couple made their vows in sync at an extremely private ceremony in Southern Italy attended by fellow celebrités, like JT’s three way buddy Andy Samberg, Jessica’s Bangs and the pious middle Camden child. By all accounts the air was thick and smelling right. The entire album (photo, not soundtrack) and details of the ‘closely guarded’ festivities will also appear in next Wednesday’s issue of People.
Jussica beatboxed to the mag in a statement “It’s great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends.” Details are scant, so let’s just say the ceremony was presided over by Rev. Eric Camden, who reclaimed his ministry in honour of the occasion. Following the exchange of marriage vows and MySpace passwords, Timberlake gave his love to Biel at an Italian themed costume party in Italy where guests sat on Italian hay bales and pillows and were waited on by Italian actors in authentic Italian peasant costumes. Red, white and green fireworks were ignited to remind guests that they were, in fact, in Italy.
After being pronounced Chuck & Larry to tepid laughter, the couple retired early while the crowd were forced to endure a screening of Total Recall, allowing enough time for Timberlake to lacquer his freshly frosted curls and sufficiently rock Biel’s body until the break of day. Congratulations to the happy couple, vale to your broken dreams.
Photos in order of appearance by Dimitrios Kambouris, Harry How and Stephen Lovekin via Getty Images
