When you’re a kid, everything in the world is pure. Even swear words, until you know what they mean once your parents ground you for saying them. I remember just walking up to my mum in the kitchen and going “hey Mum! Fuck you!” because I had no idea what it meant. Good times.
Because pop music is what it is (catchy, infectious), kid-naivety combined with top 40 playlists blasting everywhere from shopping centres to bus interchanges meant a whole lot of singing lyrics into mirrors. Lyrics that were… horny. Very horny. Pop music was – and still is – often about sex, and often blatantly so. But as kids? We had no bloody idea what we were actually saying.
We rounded up the horniest songs from our childhoods that we had zero idea were about fucking.
WAITING FOR TONIGHT – JLO
We all thought this was about waiting for Y2K, right? Like woooooo, it’s almost midnight! We’ve WAITED for this NIGHT for so LONG, guys! No. JLO was talking about getting a root. She’s excited bc she’s gonna finally fuck her guy and she’s not fucked for ages. She is not excited for the year 2000. The end.
Gone are the days when the sun used to set,
On my empty heart all alone in my bed
Tossing and turning,
Emotions were strong
I knew I had to hold on
S&M – RIHANNA
Okay, this song is obviously about… S&M. But did you, as a sweet 8 year old, know what the hell S&M was? No you didn’t. You thought she was singing about chains and whips, sure, but what she planned to do with them? Probably play tiesie-upsies. Maybe some extremely aggressive form of bullrush, idk.
‘Cause I may be bad but I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me
PONY – GINUWINE
Good LORD have I got a story for you. When I was in year 6, we had a school camp. You know how you went on school camp, and you all lost your collective shit? Yeah. So. There was a talent show, and my friends and I decided the entire year (and teachers) needed to see our strip show (!!!!) where we had a sheet held up in front of us on stage, and we threw clothes over it. Before revealing at the end that LOL, we were actually wearing short-shorts and boob tubes! I feel for the teachers at Year 6 Yarramundi Camp, I really do.
If you’re horny, let’s do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle’s waiting
Come and jump on it
2 BECOME 1 – SPICE GIRLS
Anyone growing up around the years 1997-2002 had some form of Spice Girls obsession. While all the Spice Girls songs had some level of sexual innuendo, 2 Become 1 takes the cake because we all learnt the moves, we all sang it into our mirrors and, well shit, the entire song was literally about fucking.
Come a little bit closer baby, get it on, get it on
‘Cause tonight is the night when two become one
IF YOU SEEK AMY – BRITNEY SPEARS
I don’t even… I mean, all I can say about this song is that Alex Bruce-Smith, our Associate News Editor, literally just said to me “wait, how is If You Seek Amy a horny song?” and I had to explain to her, a grown 26 year old woman, what ‘If You Seek Amy’ sounds out. It’s F-U-C-K Me. That is what it is.
Love me, hate me
But can’t you see what I see?
All of the boys and all of the girls
Are begging to if you seek Amy
U + UR HAND – P!NK
P!NK was the singer you listened to as a kid when you thought you were a BAD GIRL. Ooooh I don’t like the prissy girly-girl singers. I like tough-gal P!NK, BITCH. Except P!NK is pretty tame and like, did Lady Marmalade and generally was an incredibly G-rated level of punk.
Except for U + UR Hand, which was her telling her ex to go wank off.
Cause you know it’s over, before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It’s just you and your hand tonight
THE THONG SONG – SISQO
Fuck I miss Sisqo. What’s he doing? Where is he? Do you think it’d cost a lot of money to get him to play at my birthday party? Anyway, The Thong Song was entirely about g-strings. The film clip was all g-stringed butts filmed close-up. But as kids, we thought he meant shoes. Bc, Australia. We call thongs g-strings, and flip flips thongs. But actually he meant undies. Our parents just let us think that it was about shoes, and this is why I have TRUST ISSUES, MUM.
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
Uh
I think to sing it again
CANDY SHOP – 50 CENT
Hooooo boy. I mean, this was always going to be a tune that kids took literally. When 50 Cent says “I’ll let you lick the lollipop” I didn’t think he meant his dick, I thought he meant a Chupa Chup, ideally strawberries and cream flavour.
I break it down for you now, baby it’s simple
If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho
In the hotel, or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park, it’s whatever you into
Work It – Missy Elliot
This was just the song your older brother/sister played loudly in their room, and then you barged through the door without knocking, and then they threw their netball trophy at your head and slammed the door in your face, and then you did a run-up down the corridor and launched your entire body at the door… and that is how the downstairs bedroom door in our house became entirely splintered down the inside.
Also am I dumb? Did we all know the mumbly bit was the first two lines in REVERSE??
If you got a big, let me search it
And find out how hard I gotta work ya
Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gniht ym tup I
Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gniht ym tup I
Milkshake – Kelis
The oo’s had a lot of horny dance tunes that used food euphemisms, apparently. Although our entire office is currently arguing over what the “milkshake” Kelis brought to the yard was. Some votes? Boobs. Her ~vibe~. A sex act. In short – no one knows, but one thing is for sure. Whatever it is, it’s bringing dudes in for fuckin’.
I know you want it,
The thing that makes me,
What the guys go crazy for.
They lose their minds,
The way I wind,
I think its time
Too Close – Blue
Good LORD. I challenge you to google these lyrics – your pearls will be mighty clutchethed. Your jimmies firmly rustled. It is a horny song, guys. Extremely horny.
Baby when we’re grinding
I get so excited
Oh how I like it
I try but I can’t fight it
I’ll tell you one song we all knew was about fucking though. Even as kid.
