Glastonbury Lineup Features Pretty Much Everyone


I’ve never been to Glastonbury but I really really want to. Anyone who has been a past attendee speaks about the festival with a reverence and pitying superiority akin to brainwashed members of a sex cult. What about all that mud?, I counter. The Glastonbury goers make knowing eyes at each other: After five minutes you don’t care about the mud. Once you just surrender to it, the whole experience is even more special. Then I point out that after five days of camping the stench of human odours must be overwhelming? With the humility of a Doctors Without Borders volunteer they say (as they look into the distance misty eyed): There’s nothing more beautiful than one hundred-thousand people together as primal beings, forgoing luxuries like showering, blow drying and clean feet – everyone is equal.

I want to have that holier than thou feeling; the ability to earnestly use expressions like “there’s no other experience like it”, “a sea of bodies moving as one” and “the most acid I’ve ever had”. I want to partake in knowing conversations with other Glastonbury alumnae instead of standing on the sidelines with a frozen fake smile pasted across my face pretending to know what the Pyramid Stage feels like. Then there is the music which, frankly, makes me anxious. A million great bands to see and only five days to fit it all in and acres of land to cover from stage to stage – how does anyone find the time to satisfactorily tick off all the acts they won’t to? This year the tip of the Glastonbury iceberg features the Wu Tang Clan, Beyonce, Morrissey, Primal Scream, Tame Impala, TV on the Radio, Eels, Warpaint, The Walkmen, Crystal Castles, Yuck… You name it.

It sounds like a sex cult I would happily join.


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