Everyone Looked Like The Sex On The American Music Awards Red Carpet

Not really, but there were some exceptionally sexy get-ups paraded on the rouged rug at today’s American Music Awards, where Katy Perry opened the show with a Japonisme-themed performance of her terrible new song and was promptly branded with accusations of insensitive cultural appropriation; Miley Cyrus embodied The Internet itself while knocking out another round of ‘Wrecking Ball’ replete with a lip-syncing cat; R. Kelly did his best cigar wielding JFK/Bill Clinton to Lady Gaga’s Marilyn Monroe/Monica Lewinsky; and Nelly took everyone back to a time that time itself wanted to forget with a performance of 2001’s ‘Ride Wit Me’ :/ 
A very, very sexy time was had by all.
For your consideration, here are some of the sexiest and the not-so-sexiest looks from The 40th Annual American Music Awards.
Never forget that Alicia Silverstone used to spit pre-chewed food into the mouths of babes. Super sexy.

I’m one more designer freebie away from un-following Ciara on Instagram. However, girl looks like a sexy body party in this wicked wicker Wiccan number by J. Mendel.

Emma Roberts wears Alex Mack by Lanvin.

There’s a very fine line between this:

And this:
Only perfect alien Zoe Saldana can wear lace-edged, moth-eaten patchwork butterflies stapled onto a liquorice all-sort with a crucifix hybrid hand-accessory and still look like a ten. That dress is a two.

Christina Aguilera has really reigned it in and looks like a ‘glamourous’ Old Hollywood bombshell knockout in this ‘fabulous’ gaudy get-up that only someone who once got around in only arse-less chaps, mud and baby oil could look good in.

Nicole Richie, on the other hand, is a diminutive sex grenade in a similar white cut-out and backless number by Pucci, accented with the aura of a thin rich person.

Naya Riviera does Morticia Adams-chic – or pre-Ye Kim Kardashian – in a sexy body-con situation with a pooling train, cascading hair and delicious chocolate coins on her wrists.

In Oscar De La Renta polka dots and roses, Katy Perry continues to dumb down/grow up where her red carpet choices are concerned, pairing the full-length gown with an Olympia Le Tan Dictionary clutch that speaks volumes about her discerning lyrical choices.

U mad, bro? Channeling Lady GodivaLady Gaga and the Trojan Horse she rode in on wear Versace

If white suits in general weren’t Pretty Much The Worst, Miley Cyrus might actually look chic and presentable in this uncharacteristically concealing lewk from Versus. I don’t even hate the gold safety pin details that much. She accessorises with her Dad, Billy Ray, who wears the grim expression of a man who can’t un-see all that his daughter has exposed.

With cascading rainbow ombré locks, relatively subdued make-up and an asymmetrical black Grecian gown split up-to-there, Kedollarsignha is the red carpet hybrid of Angelina Jolie and Gaga circa Yoü & I. I’m not even mad.

Still secretly gunning for a place in the Victoria’s Secret Class of ’14, Taylor Swift looks like a Barbarella sex robot dipped in tinsel by Julian McDonald and accessorised with thinly-veiled bitch-faced disdain by Taylor Swift. Afraid to go full sexy, Swift chickens out from a Naya Riviera-style exposed chest and opts instead for a beige PG13 body stocking panel 🙁

Speaking of phucks, newly-minted American Music Award Icon Rihanna simultaneously gives zero and her everything and this sexy carpet-and-drapes matching sequinned two piece. Phuckin’ dang weave though.   

Frightening ventriloquist dummy maquette Ariana Grande looks like a drag queen Hayley Joel Osment impersonator in sequinned D&G. Kill that hair piece with fire, and wipe off the accumulated, gurning armpit fake-tan. 

On the subject of terrifying teens from the early aughts, 26-year-old 260-year-old Jessie McCartney has aged terribly.

Photos by Jason Kemper, Kevin Winter via Getty