May I ask you a question? What do you think of One Direction? You’ve known them nearly all of 2012, you must’ve formed some opinion of them. Well, I always thought they were very nice people. Did you know one of them is, like, totally schtupping Taylor Swift while building a perfume empire? Did you know that?
Look, I think I should be getting to the point. If you don’t mind my saying so this is getting a little strange. Now, I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Dustin Hoffman enthusiastically stage kissed the blonde one with the unfortunate dentistry from One Direction (Niall Horan) on the set of The Late Show With David Letterman last night but it shouldn’t become clear for several hours.
I mean, I didn’t really think he would do something like that. What do you think? For god’s sake, Mr. Hoffman. Here they are. You got them into the studio. You gave them a drink. You put on music. Then they start opening up about their personal lives to the audience and tell you there won’t be room on that couch for hours.
So? Mr Hoffman is trying to seduce them. Huh? Isn’t he?
Just kidding. He’s not really trying to seduce him. I know that, but please, this is difficult. I apologise for what I said. I hope you can forget it.*
*Pretty much all of the above, especially the bit about Taylor Swift, has been taken from The Graduate. Hoffman did not try and seduce anybody. Homoerotic encounters involving members of One Direction continue to remain the province of 1D Fan Fiction.
Photo by Andreas Rentz via Getty
