Arbiters of an otherwise entirely arbitrary, nebulous and wholly subjective quality, Who Magazine, have released their annual compendium of marketing-driven sex appeal, The Who Sexiest People Of 2013, which this year sports a cover imploring you to believe in “the Sex Factor” present amongst The X-Factor judging panel, including Dannii Minogue, Natalie Bassingthwaite, Ronan Keating and Redfoo, wearing a pair of socks to boot!
Notably absent from the cover: genuine sex appeal; but like I said, it’s all relative.
Here’s a breakdown of The Sexiest People Alive in 2013, alongside the type of sexy each personifies to warrant their inclusion:
- Jessica Gomes – Ethnically ambiguous face of national department store sexy.
- Matt Le Nevez – Romantic medical dramedy sexy.
- Jessica Mauboy – Genuine star power with potential trans-Continental cross-over appeal sexy.
- Mila Kunis – Sexy list mainstay sexy.
- Channing Tatum – Daggy newsboy cap sexy.
- Lara Bingle – SEO sexy.
- Chris Hemsworth – Chris Hemsworth.
- Katy Perry – PG13 double entendre sexy.
- Steve Peacocke – Is on Home & Away?
- Kate Upton – ‘Are Those Real?’, GIF-able sexy.
- Rihanna – Zero Phucks Given sexy.
- One Direction – According to my colleagues, “barely legal boy next door” sexy.
- Jesinta Campbell – Media wall mainstay sexy.
- Steve ‘The Commando’ Willis – Mean looking personal trainer sexy, if that’s your jam.
- Jennifer Lawrence – The People’s Sexy.
- Robin Wright – Middle-aged fox with amazing hair sexy.
- Samantha Armytage – Morning wood sexy, I guess?
- David Beckham – Skilled with balls sexy, innit?
- The Stenmarks – Twin fetish sexy.
- Timomatic – Pop and lock sexy.
- Rosie Huntington-Whitely – Jason Statham’s ideal of sexy.
- Jennifer Lopez – Sassy Single Mom Killing It sexy.
- Delta Goodrem – Sexy like a bronze statue sexy.
- Zac Efron – Slipped and broke his jaw fresh outta rehab sexy.
- Naomi Campbell – Terrifying sexy.
- Miley Cyrus – 😛
- Dita Von Teese – Antiquated sexy.
- Robert Downey Jr – Bankable franchise sexy.
If you can stomach any future mention of that word, an illustrated version of the list will be available on newsstands from November 25th.