Arbiters of an otherwise entirely arbitrary, nebulous and wholly subjective quality, Who Magazine, have released their annual compendium of marketing-driven sex appeal, The Who Sexiest People Of 2013, which this year sports a cover imploring you to believe in “the Sex Factor” present amongst The X-Factor judging panel, including Dannii Minogue, Natalie Bassingthwaite, Ronan Keating and Redfoo, wearing a pair of socks to boot! 

Notably absent from the cover: genuine sex appeal; but like I said, it’s all relative.

Here’s a breakdown of The Sexiest People Alive in 2013, alongside the type of sexy each personifies to warrant their inclusion:

  • Jessica Gomes – Ethnically ambiguous face of national department store sexy.
  • Matt Le Nevez –  Romantic medical dramedy sexy.
  • Jessica Mauboy – Genuine star power with potential trans-Continental cross-over appeal sexy.
  • Mila Kunis – Sexy list mainstay sexy.
  • Channing Tatum – Daggy newsboy cap sexy.
  • Lara Bingle – SEO sexy.
  • Chris Hemsworth – Chris Hemsworth.
  • Katy Perry – PG13 double entendre sexy.
  • Steve Peacocke – Is on Home & Away?
  • Kate Upton – ‘Are Those Real?’, GIF-able sexy.
  • Rihanna – Zero Phucks Given sexy.
  • One Direction – According to my colleagues, “barely legal boy next door” sexy.
  • Jesinta Campbell – Media wall mainstay sexy.
  • Steve ‘The Commando’ Willis – Mean looking personal trainer sexy, if that’s your jam.
  • Jennifer Lawrence – The People’s Sexy.
  • Robin Wright – Middle-aged fox with amazing hair sexy.
  • Samantha Armytage – Morning wood sexy, I guess? 
  • David Beckham – Skilled with balls sexy, innit?
  • The Stenmarks – Twin fetish sexy.
  • Timomatic – Pop and lock sexy.
  • Rosie Huntington-Whitely – Jason Statham’s ideal of sexy.
  • Jennifer Lopez – Sassy Single Mom Killing It sexy.
  • Delta Goodrem – Sexy like a bronze statue sexy.
  • Zac Efron – Slipped and broke his jaw fresh outta rehab sexy.
  • Naomi Campbell – Terrifying sexy.
  • Miley Cyrus – 😛
  • Dita Von Teese – Antiquated sexy.
  • Robert Downey Jr – Bankable franchise sexy.

If you can stomach any future mention of that word, an illustrated version of the list will be available on newsstands from November 25th.

Did You Land Your Dream Spot On WHO’s Sexiest People Of 2013 List? Redfoo Did