Clem Bastow’s Top Five Favourite Moustaches In Pop Culture History

To celebrate Movember, Australia’s month long affair with well manicured mos and non-ironic porn ‘staches, Pedestrian asked Movember ambassador Clem Bastow to compile her favourite soup strainers of all time in a feature we’ll call “Clem Bastow’s Top Five Favourite Moustaches In Pop Culture History”. It’s totally riotous of course, educational too and serves as counterpoint to that of fellow Movember ambassador and writer Benjamin Law, whose top five we’ll publish tomorrow.

Each year, Movember raises vital funds and awareness for men’s health, specifically prostate cancer and depression. To keep abreast of their noble/hirsute endeavours, add Movember on Facebook and Twitter or check here for the dates and venues of their recently announced Gala Partés.

Take it away, Clem.

Groucho Marx
My mind collapsed when I found out a few years back that Groucho’s luxuriant lip-warmer was, in fact, nothing more than greasepaint. (This is why anyone – male or female – who dresses up as Groucho looks so uncannily like him.) Still, there’s something about those wall-eyes pointed to the ceiling paired with that thick black caterpillar of a mo’ that works for me. And look what a babe he was in the early days! I could dance with him ’til the cows came home. On second thoughts, I could dance with the cows ’til he came home.

Mark Spitz
Poor old Michael Phelps – that handlebar mo he grew a few years back could only be a pale imitation of the glorious mo sported by Mark Spitz, the former US Olympic gold medalist who held the record for gold medal hauls (seven at the 1972 Munich Games) until Phelps broke it. These days sportsmen seem so scared of facial hair (unless it’s the ‘flavour saver’ favoured by so many AFL players) but there was something wonderfully virile about Spitz’s mo. Damn the aqua-dynamics!

Kanye West
This one’s more of a theoretical mo. Oh ‘Nye, I wish you’d do away with that chin-strap you’re sporting and just leave the upper-lip accoutrement intact. Nothing says Power like a commanding moustache. I like to imagine the (imaginary) good times by just holding my hand or thumb over the lower portion of any shots of his face.

David Boon
BOONIE! The ’70s and ’80s were a great time for men in Australian sport. You could basically be fat, drink too much, eat too many snags and hang out with bosomy babes in Bonds t-shirts and still be a champion – and key to all of the above was a luxuriant mo. There were many notable moustaches during the glory days of test cricket but I think Boonie is the ultimate champ. He looked like a walrus in a knit jumper.

Eddie Murphy
Let’s face it, if you can forget about the raging coke habit for a moment, Eddie was never hotter than when he was rocking an emphatic moustache. Diminished-mo Eddie speaks to me of everything he’s done post-Bowfinger, in other words, the crap years, when the mo was more of a hint of mo/shadow than a full broom. But there’s a definite correlation between quality of movies and amount of mo action when it comes to Eddie’s back catalogue, which is why I’m not surprised he’s brought back the full effect.

Clem Bastow, based in Melbourne, is a writer, broadcaster and comedian whose ideal Movember spin-off event, Chesthairvember, is sadly yet to materialize. She tweets here, writes here and tumbles here.