Christina Aguilera Dropped Her 1st Music Vid In 4 Years & Girl, We Need To Talk

Contributor: Mitch Feltscheer

In the world of pop music fandom, four years is a bloody long time.

Do you know what can happen in the span of four years? An entire boyband could form, tour the world, gain my ardent, borderline problematic, affection and then break up to attempt doomed solo careers and get bad haircuts that I HATE.

Four years? Beyonce could release 2-3 surprise albums that shake the very core of society’s existence in a four year bracket, I mean Christ, Britney Spears could fit 2-3 marriages in, if she gave it a red hot crack.

So fkn KNOCK KNOCK Christina Aguilera, what the shit have you been up to?
Your last proper release was 2012’s supposed “comeback” album ‘Lotus’, and since then you’ve swanned about on a spinning chair on ‘The Voice’lip-synced to your own flamin’ song from a decade ago and queefed out ONE (1) new song for a Netflix show’s soundtrack.
And now you have the audacity to roll into this here internet, with a “fun video for [your] fans”, (YOUR FIRST MUSIC VIDEO IN FOUR YEARS MIND YOU), which turns out to be 96 seconds of you rolling on a bed looking like a failed Ru Paul’s Drag Race contestant (whose stage name is probably Triple X-Tina), who after being kicked off the first round went home and did a bit too much amyl.
Firstly, how very dare you?
Secondly, the actual song for this vague attempt at a “music video” goes for a solid three minutes. Sooooo, you couldn’t writhe around touching your face like a teen taking ecstasy for the first time for another minute-and-a-half? All tuckered out after 90 seconds? I see.
Thirdly, you mention you’re releasing this to celebrate the song in question ‘Telepathy’ (recorded for Baz Luhrmann’s The Get Down’ show), reaching #1 on the Billboard Dance Charts, so ok, hey, let’s have a lil’ ol’ squizy beak at said chart, shall we?
Christina. Dear, sweet Christina. What the shit is going on?
Please reply to my messages. I love you.