Chris Brown is pretty seriously fucked at this point. The singer is stuck in such a bizarre and complicated web of fuckery that I’m not sure even his lawyers understand just how or why he is so fucked, or what the hell they can do about it, but trust me on this, Chris Brown is really quite remarkably fucked indeed. What has Chris Brown done this time? Ladies and gentlemen, that’s very complicated question, but let’s see if we can’t unravel it together.

The short version of the story is that Brown is currently in prison, and will remain there for the foreseeable future as his lawyers deal with an assault case on one side of the country, and a probation violation on the other. It’s easiest to think of it as an East Coast-West Coast thing, except instead of Biggie and 2Pac, it’s a series of fist fights, assaults and broken court orders. It might help to break this thing down place by place.

Los Angeles:

Brown has been locked up in a prison in L.A. since March 14, and will be there until next week at the earliest, which means he’ll be spending his 25th birthday on May 5 behind bars. He was thrown into L.A. jail after staff at an anger management treatment facility threw him out, which violated the terms of his probation for the assault of his then-girlfriend Rihanna, all the way back in 2009.

Brown’s next hearing in L.A. is on May 9, at which time, his lawyers will attempt to strike some sort of a deal in relation to his probation violation. What kind of a deal? I have no fucking clue, but I’m betting that ‘my client is very sorry and promises he won’t do it again’ probably won’t cut it. If the judge decides that Brown did indeed violate the terms of his probation, he might face up to four years in prison.

 

Washington D.C.:

Right, yeah so then there’s this whole other thing in the nation’s capital. While Brown is on probation for an assault on the West Coast, on the East Coast, he is still currently charged with one. Brown was arrested for assault in D.C. last year, following a fight that broke out near the W Hotel. When he plead not guilty to those charges, the judge ordered him into an anger management rehab facility while he awaited trial … the same anger management facility that kicked him out in March, thus bringing us back to the very start.

What did Brown do to get kicked out of rehab?

According to Perez Hilton, Brown was banged up in a facility in Malibu, but refused to play nice. There were three specific incidences – one, where he went on an unauthorised trip out and refused a drug test on return, one where he threw some pretty mean shade at other patients during a group session, and one where he broke an internal rule requiring him to stay at least two feet away from women at all times. After staff gave him the boot, it was on to L.A. jail.


Con Air is also involved somehow?


Brown has been shuttled between L.A. and D.C. on Con Air flights, which is probably nowhere near as cool as the Nicolas Cage movie would have you believe. His assault trial in D.C. has been postponed while he awaits the outcome of his probation hearing in L.A. There’s also something about a bodyguard who might be willing to take the fall for him but I can’t even fucking think straight enough to make sense of that right now. 

Brown’s best strategy for the May 9 hearing is probably just to get up in court and shout “DOUBLE JEOPARDY!” until the judge declares a mistrial. Don’t rule him out yet, though. He may yet weasel his way out of both his L.A. and D.C. drama, and return to life on the outside as a functioning member of society. Lindsay Lohan is a free woman right now, so in the criminal justice system, anything is possible. Fuckin’ probation, how does that work?

via: THG
Picture: Kevork Djansezian via Getty Images