If you ever catch me staring blankly into the abyss, it’s because – 99.99% of the time – I’m thinking about the two sisters who, 7 years ago, attempted to sing “Cher Lloyd by Cher Lloyd” before being rudely interrupted by their mother with news of a disgoostang shet that hadn’t been flushed.

Here’s a reminder for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of watching the OG footage, or for those who have watched the clip 678 times and would like to treat themselves to a 679th viewing.

Moving along. For years, we were plagued with confusion as to which girl it fooken’ was, until, last year, when footage emerged of the youngest child confirming that she was, in fact, the culprit. It was a huge breakthrough, and a win for those, like myself, who were bound by the poo-ridden shackles of the unknown.

I knew it was you. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, her soul is loudly exclaiming “I DIDN’T FLUSH.”

Now, seeing as though I think about this clip 99.99% of the time, I deemed it not only necessary but vital to take the plunge(r) and initiate phase 2 of the disgoostang investigation: what “Cher Lloyd by Cher Lloyd” actually refers to.

So, without further ado, here’s how I found out what song the older sister was trying to sing before being dragged through metaphorical fecal matter by her unforgiving mother. (Precisely none of you asked for this, but I’m going to give it to you anyway because I know you better than you know yourself… and you need this.)

There aren’t many steps involved – in fact, the actual investigation took about 4.6 seconds – but let me take you through them anyway.

Step 1. I googled the line she rapped before the mother entered the room with a shitty vengeance. The line: “And don’t forget all the trouble we got into.”

When tapping it into the search bar, I quickly came to realise that many like-minded pioneers had attempted to solve the riddle before me. I salute them. They walked, so I could run. They clenched, so I could poo.

Step 2. We have a match. The song? Cher Lloyd’s “Oath” featuring – you guessed it – Becky G.

Normal human beings would now consider the case well and truly closed, but I am not normal, and am now plagued with even more peculiar questions, such as:

  1. Why did she dive straight into the second-last line of the first verse? Why not start at the beginning?
  2. Did the girls ever truly understand how ironic it was that, after singing this line, they got into trouble? Did they forget?
  3. Did the youngest sister have to flush the disgoostang shet herself?
  4. Would Cher Lloyd be open to a possible collab with the duo?
  5. I wonder what the sisters are thinking about our current toilet paper crisis.

Alas, it is time to rest. Let “Oath” soothe you into another poo-smeared dimension. Karaoke be lit now.