Being Kanye West. A First Hand Account.

Oh the wonders of modern medicine! I stumbled across a promotional video for a wonder drug which transforms anyone who takes it into Kanye West. I decided to order a box for sampling/review purposes this is what happened…

Initially skeptical about the likelihood of anything but hallucinogenics causing me to look like The Louis Vuitton Don I tentatively downed a tablet. I read up on the effects of the tablet prior which according to the drug’s homepage included:

Increased appeal
The cool factor
Jaws to drop
Heads to turn
Heightened sense of the style and rhythm
And your carpets to turn red…

After a few minutes I definitely felt my awesomeness rising though not enough to attribute it solely to the tablet. I put on a Kanye song to lubricate the transition, I think it was “All Falls Down’ I can’t be sure as the subsequent hours are hazy at best. I instinctively drummed to the song tapping on my knees with surgical precision. I had the sudden urge to find old Soul samples. Shutter shades materialized over my eyes. My head ballooned, partly because Kanye’s cranium is fatter (phatter?) than mine, partly because my surging self importance induced swelling in my head. I posted a few blogs on my web page. I ordered a Dior Homme pea coat from net-a-porter (not realizing that I didn’t, in fact, inherit Kanye’s income as well). I felt good, and then I blacked out…

By the time I woke up I had reverted back to my normal self. I groggily got my bearings and noticed I wasn’t alone. Three brunettes slept softly around me, the woodgrain treatment of the bed leading me to believe I was in a very cheap motel, the kind reserved for truckies, serial killers, and prostitutes. The surroundings were decadently debauched, the kind Merlin Bronques would kill for. The girls were lithe, nubile, 10’s in varying states of undress, their limbs latticed intricately. Lines of coke trailed sporadically on a precariously perched mirror. I smiled to myself. I finally understood what he was singing about in “Good Life”.

Verdict: Awesome for picking up chicks, scamming free shit, and turning heads. I recommend “Be Kanye” for those with self esteem issues or anyone who feels that people should be bowing in their greatness. Thank You Kanye!

Who would you rather be? John Malkovich or Kanye West?

Image by: Timothy A. Clary via Getty