It is time. The 2012 ARIA Awards is now not-live on television. If you’re tuning in, grab a sherbet, pour a bowl the Cheezels (sp) and let’s enjoy a night that celebrates the greatest achievements in Australian music for the year. And Taylor Swift!
8:05pm: And the night begins. The first performance is by Hilltop Hoods performing a song that I assume is new – mainly because I’m fairly off the loop, Aussie hiphop-wise. SIKE! I know ALLLLLLL about Aussie hiphop you idiots! I work in the pop culture biz, so as if I wouldn’t know all about it!
*wipes sweat off brow nervously*
8:08pm: The Hilltop Hoods have some terrific backup singers tonight. I love a hook with some soul vocalists.
8:10pm Dudes Molly Meldrum is on stage introducing a bunch of artists who will be performing tonight. You are looking fantastic Molly! He still has a slur from his stroke and pronounced ‘Guy Sebastian’ as ‘GAY Sebastian’, which is pretty terrific.
8:11pm: The first award is for Best Independent Release presented by Josh Pyke and Lanie Lane. There are many good nominees, but I don’t have time to type them all out for you because it takes a long time/I’ve had 3 white wines.
And the winner is The Jezabels! They all wear black and have their acceptance speech written on half a piece of A4 paper. That is pretty cute.
8:14pm: Has-beens alert! The next award – Best Rock Album – will be presented by Ella Hooper (Killing Heidi, anyone?) and Chris Cheney from the Living End. Kidding about the has-beens thing. The Living End is one of the best live acts in Australia, right!?
(I’ll probably “never work in this town again”, as they say.)
8:16pm: The Temper Trap are the winners. They are really rich and demonstrate it by reading their acceptance speech notes off a Smart Phone. Oooh!
8:22pm: The next award is presented by a rambling (but adorable) Josh Thomas and a gleaming Jessica Mauboy who sings her scripted lines because it’s funny right! and because her voice is that of an angel. And then she puts on her spectacles to read out the winner. Delightful!
8:24pm: This award is for Breakthrough Artist of the year and it goes to 360. He says “fuck” in the first sentence of his acceptance speech. Good one mate. He finishes his speech with: “it’s time to get some bigger microphones ‘cos this is bullshit”. Charmed, I’m sure.
8:26pm: Guy Sebastian is singing “Battle Scars”, his hit single that I honestly think is AOK. Guest vocalist Lupe Fiasco is here too doing his rap bit. Lupe is wearing quite a chic black leather jacket. I’m enjoying this song.
8:30pm: Alright, what’s next? Ricki Lee wearing a magenta mini dress and an English man named Example are presenting the award for Best Dance Release. And the winner is a song called “In My Mind” by Ivan Gough feat. Georgie Kay or something along those lines. Never heard of it mate.
8:34pm: DJ Havana Brown is the in-house DJ for the night. We need to discuss DJ Havana Brown in the comment section. She looks like a sexier, tanner version of Janice from The Muppets.
8:44pm: Here’s Tom and Alex from triple j, dressed as Taylor Swift. SIKE! They’re clearly dressed as 360 but they said Taylor Swift for Lolz. The dudes are presenting the ARIA for Best Live Tour/Act/Something. Hilltop Hoods, Cold Chisel, Gotye and others are nominated… but the winner is among the alleged Least Influential People of 2012 Gotye! Love you Wally, you dawg.
8:55pm: The new ARIA Hall of Fame inductees Yothu Yindu are performing their classic hit “Treaty” and it’s going off. I was just attempting to sing along despite being entirely non-fluent in the language. Heck yes. What a tune. This is special.
8:57pm: Now Paul Kelly and Peter Garrett are on stage to present the Hall of Fame award to Yothu Yindu. It’s an Australian Music legend-fest at the ARIAs right now, dudes.
9:04pm: Michael Chugg assists the awesome heart of Yothu Yindi, Mandawuy (who suffers from kidney disease), on to the stage. “Thank you Australia, Sydney and ARIA for the great honour… Yothu Yindi has been about messages and bringing people together, teaching Australians and everyone, and bringing them together.” he says. The crowd applauds wildly. Cool moment.
9:13pm It’s TAYLOR SWIFT now on stage. She’s wearing a fake letterman’s jacket and the paint-splashed brogues from this Vanishing Elephant collection! I think! This is kind of not-the-greatest, which I’m loathe to say because I think Taylor is a bunch of fun. But the song is a dud [PS where the fuck was “Love Story” or a raging hit when you need one?!?] and there are young gals SCREAMING very close to the camera mic.
9:21pm: And now to Best Pop Release, the nominees of which I’ve missed because I was too busy trawling the Internet for more photos of Tay. But the ARIA goes to Gotye, his second pointy paperweight of the night!
I should also mention that three people from Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit just presented that award, which is truly random as fuck.
9:28pm: International guest Nicki Minaj hits the stage looking like a flawless rainbow-coloured play thing for small people. I think I mean a toy. She doesn’t have a clue who she is talking about as she reads out the winner of Best Urban Release – which goes to Hilltop Hoods. Good times. NEXT.
9:40pm: Album of the Year nominees The Jezabels just performed and are a class act; but in more important news RICKY MARTIN IS CONFIRMED AS THE NEW MENTOR FOR THE VOICE. Joel Madden doesn’t lie.
9:43pm: “Fitzy” and “Wippa” are now presenting the award for Best International Artist. It’s so going to be One Direction.
9:44pm: Correct. One Direction wins. Is it not okay that I think Harry is a twinkly-eyed babe?
9:46pm: And now “Australia’s favourite adopted sons” (so says the voiceover guy) Joel and Benji Madden are here to present the ARIA for Best Group, which goes to Temper Trap. They thank a bunch of boring people no one’s ever heard of, plus the fans. Same thing, amirite! Ha!
9:54pm: So now 360 feat. Gossling is performing. He says “what up motherfuckers!” and GO! misses it in the censoring process, also missed in the censoring process is the drop-crotch pants he is wearing, which were somehow approved. Gossling, who sings the hook, has such a weird cute baby voice.
9:59pm: Some radio personalities I don’t recognise are presenting the ARIA for Song of the Year. The ARIA goes to one of the most handsome ARIA-winner in history Matt Corby for “Brother”.
10:02pm: Guys, my boyfriend made me a steak. I have to get on this immediately because they don’t keep, in addition to the fact I need to keep up my energy levels. Be back shortly.
10:11pm: That was quick. Kimbra just got on stage and bewitched the audience with her star quality. Now Russell Brand is at the podium with his mum to award the ARIA for Best Female Artist. Russell’s presence here is truly unusual. He and mum announce Kimbra as the winner. The ARIAs is the strangest thing ever, sometimes.