You may have heard that Russell Crowe is currently offloading a bunch of his shit through Sotheby’s in a self-described ‘divorce auction’ which is set, by some estimates, to clean up to the tune of $3.6 million. We’ve all got a bunch of useless crap we could probably fob off on Gumtree if we had the time or the inclination, but we’d be lucky to crack three digits, let alone seven.

The catalogue – which itself costs a tidy sixty bucks – artfully sets the tone of the proceedings:

But there is, I’m sorry to say, a lot of filler material in ol’ Rusty’s auction. If you’ve got a spare few grand lying around (possibly due to the death of a distant aristocratic relative) then you simply can’t go wrong with these choice cuts. Without further ado…

An actual chariot from ‘Gladiator’

Expected price: $5,000 – $10,000

Ever felt the need to hoon down to your local pub in a fully-functional Roman chariot, possibly adorned in the garb of a centurion? Is your 2005 Toyota Camry on its last legs and you’re compelled to replace it with something which also lacks all the mod cons?

It also comes with a letter from Rusty himself confirming that he once owned it, so you can show it to the cop who just pulled you over for fanging this highly illegal bad boy down the motorway.

The shorts Rusty wore in ‘Cinderella Man’

Expected price: $1,000 – $2,000

Whenever I’m buying any article of clothing, I have a single criteria: have Russell Crowe’s balls been in these? Can I certify whether his sweaty nuts have been pressed against this 100% cotton fabric? If not, I am absolutely hightailing it out of Uniqlo.

I don’t know what exactly you do with memorabilia shorts. Framing them seems like the behaviour of a serial killer. Wearing them doubly so. I guess you just put it in your undies drawer to show your next sexual partner, who will then say, “Oh. I never actually saw Cinderella Man, but I heard it was okay.”

The violin Rusty played in ‘Master & Commander’

Expected price: $110,000 – $140,000

Statistically, the number of people reading this article who can play violin or would have any aspirations toward doing so would be critically low. But it would be an insanely alpha move to go into your first violin lesson and say, “This is the violin Rusty Crowe played in Master & Commander and I paid $140,000 for it.”

The instrument was apparently made in 1846, which raises serious questions about why the producers of the film even let Rusty hold it.

A 1976 Fender Telecaster

Expected price: $3,000 – $5,000

This isn’t even from anything. It’s just a guitar Rusty is selling. Extreme Gumtree dad areas for the most dad guitar (with the possible exception of a sunburst coloured Les Paul). Three large isn’t a terrible price for a ’76 Tele, to be honest.

It does come with a caveat, though: Russell Crowe has likely banged out some The Ordinary Fear of God tunes on this old axe, and it is therefore cursed.

The boots Rusty wore while playing a racist in ‘Romper Stomper’

Expected price: $10,000 – $15,000

They’re pretty cool boots, sure. That being said, if you’re willing to drop at least ten large on a pair of boots most famous for being used in hate crimes in a movie, that might be a poor reflection of your character. Go on Rusty. Do the noble thing and put these out with council cleanup.

A Dale Frank painting

Expected price: $30,000 – $40,000

Don’t worry if you don’t get it. Neither did Rusty – and that’s why he’s selling the thing. A real icebreaker for your sharehouse living room.

I’d probably talk to your housemates before putting them on the hook for part of a $40,000 purchase, however. It’s a bit of a different bag than the gas bill.

David Boon’s signed 1995 One Day International cricket shirt

Expected price: $1,000 – $2,000

Go on then. It’s ya dad’s birthday soon. He deserves a special treat.

Image: Sotheby's