Ah, white culture. Some may claim it doesn’t exist, but that’s not true – we’re just so deeply immersed in whiteness as people on colonised land that it’s hard to conceptualise white culture as a thing. Like asking a fish what water is.

But the truth is, white culture is real, and you’re definitely familiar with it – you just don’t know it’s white culture because we act like it’s the norm. You know, things like cooking without spices, using mayonnaise as a condiment for everything, and charging your kids board when they turn 18.

There’s plenty of ‘Western’ norms that we accept as the typical Aussie (or broader Caucasian) standard, that are actually only specific to *white* Aussies. And if that’s the case, it’s not Aussie culture, it’s white culture baby. And honestly, some of them are fucked up.

Here’s a (nonexhaustive) list of little things that are part of white culture – ranked by how much they would offend my ethnic mother.

10. Wearing shoes in the house, and specifically on carpet

Guys, please stop doing this. My mum’s begging y’all. It’s literally dirtying your carpets and floors for no reason.

9. Cooking rice in the microwave

For those of you who cook rice in the microwave for accessibility or class reasons, you are forgiven and I hope things get better for you.

White people that just do this for no reason other than straight up ignorance on how to cook rice: my mother feels sorry for you, and is also judging you because y’all colonised half the globe and the least you could do is learn to cook our food right, thanks.

8. Not washing rice before you cook it

A quick question in one of our PEDESTRIAN.TV Slack channels revealed that way too many white people do NOT wash their rice, and y’all need to love yourselves a little more, honestly. It only takes a couple of minutes to rinse your rice, and in doing so it’ll improve your rice quality! It won’t be so starchy! It won’t smell weird! And it won’t stick to the bottom of your rice cooker and ruin your pots!

My mum is very supportive of my relo with a white man, but let me tell you, the day I told her he didn’t wash his rice was the day she reconsidered if this ~union~ was right for me.

7. Letting the dog lick your plate clean before you put it in the sink

It literally takes an extra 60 seconds to put your leftovers into the dog bowl, rather than just giving your puppy your plate. I don’t care if y’all wash your plates after, this is nasty! Especially because I’ve seen the way white people wash their dishes. Which brings me to my next little tidbit of white culture…

6. Dipping dishes in dirty, soapy water and then putting them on the drying rack *without* rinsing them under the tap

Oh my god, this fucking horrifies me. I remember being in year 7 food tech, and watching my Caucasian teacher demonstrate to me the “correct” way to wash dishes. She filled a sink with hot, soapy water, left the dirty dishes to soak in there (so far, so good), wiped the food/grease off them with a sponge, and then put them in a drying rack without rinsing them. Like, just straight up putting soapy dishes on a rack, and then letting them dry like that covered in soapy water that previously had food muck in it. I CANNOT.

I obviously refused to wash my dishes this way, and rinsed all my dishes under the tap before placing them on the drying rack – only to be chastised for washing them wrong. My mother was disgusted when I told her, and she was 100% ready to throw hands on my behalf.

Honestly, that should’ve been a fucking hate crime. I’m sorry miss, but I think using an extra litre of water is worth not getting sick off rotten food chunks, thanks.

5. Wearing shoes on your bed

This is peak white culture if I’ve ever seen it. No I will not elaborate.

4. Calling their parents by their first name

I initially had this as eighth on my list, but my mum pushed it up to fourth upon the final review because it bothers her that much. And this is why I don’t tell her my white friends have yelled at their parents.

3.  Letting your dog lick your mouth

Stop fucking doing this. Please for the love of god and all that is holy, stop it. White people will tell me it’s gross that my people eat with their hands, and then they’ll let a dog’s tongue on their mouth? Nasty.

2. Racism

You’d think this is number one. You really fucking would, hey?

1. Whatever the fuck a ‘spew bowl’ is

Oh God. The fucking spew bowl. This is the single most demented and cursed thing white people have ever come up with, and I say this as a person whose South Asian culture was colonised and bastardised by the Brits. Racism? I can deal with her. The spew bowl? I’d rather someone call me a slur and get the hate crime over with than hand me one of these.

For those of you who haven’t experienced the displeasure of discovering the ‘spew bowl’, it’s a large plastic bowl (usually like a salad bowl) that white people chunder into when they don’t think they can get from their bed to the dunny quick enough. And apparently, some white families (including people IN THIS OFFICE), also re-use the spew bowl for food. They actually *eat* out of the bowl that they vom in. I can’t.

Why can’t y’all use a plastic bag with paper towels in it like the rest of us?? Then you just chuck out the vom-filled plastic bag and that’s it. And I s2g if one of you tries to tell me it’s more sustainable, I will fight you with my bare hands. At what cost, Rachel?? At what cost???

When I told my mother about the spew bowl, she nearly went into cardiac arrest. The concept is just unfathomable to her, her brain can’t conceive of it. If reverse racism was real, my mum would’ve perpetuated it after hearing of this. Just no. As brown Muslims in Australia, we can deal with racism. But the spew bowl??? Fuck off. White people are cancelled.