There are few facets of my personality I will double down on because, frankly, I know I do dumb shit. But I will never, ever concede that sleeping without a top sheet is normal.

I know the top sheet versus doona debate is one as old as time; it wouldn’t surprise me to learn Jesus came to blows with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John about the topic.

In more recent years, PEDESTRIAN.TV’s Lavender Baj argued against the top sheet in 2020. She articulated her argument well and points were made, including the fact that top sheets can get bunchy when you’re trying to sleep.

I’ll admit they have a tendency to do such a thing. But I counter a thin-yet-scrunchy top sheet with a thick, heavy and lumpy doona, because the insert has balled up weirdly within the cover. It’s a sensation which mimics that of a cat sleeping on your bed; their fat, solid ass sleeping peacefully in a position that stops you from getting comfy.

A top sheet can also be pulled taut to stretch the crinkly bits out, which is a far easier exercise than slapping the doona up and down to reposition the insert within the cover.

And despite what the haters say, the excess material of a top sheet is actually a bonus: it’s obviously meant to be tucked in. A firmly tucked top sheet allows us to cosplay the hotel experience in the privacy of our own homes. And who doesn’t go hog wild for the structured bliss of a crisp hotel bed?

The concept of a tight top sheet brings me to a crucial point in my argument. We were all foetuses at one point, happily developing in the womb. It was in that small, confined space that we were carefree and calm. Then we’re born and what do our caregivers do? They swaddle us in light, breathable blankets that placate us, and are thought to remind us of our former digs inside the womb.

According to the government-funded Pregnancy, Birth and Baby, some studies have shown that swaddled bébés are happy bébés. The tight, blanketed embrace helps them sleep through the night, and for longer than their non-swaddled friends.

Does this same logic not apply to us as human adults? Are we not allowed to cocoon ourselves in the name of a deliciously deep slumber? I would even go as far to say that swaddling ourselves in a thin top sheet is, essentially, an extension of the womb.

The delicate nature of a top sheet is also one of its great advantages. As long as they’re made from a lightweight material, they’re the perfect antidote to a stinking hot summer night. Linen is a naturally temperature-regulating fibre, while cotton slays the house down with its beautiful breathability.

If you just sleep with a doona and overheat, the only thing you can do is whip it off. But what happens when it’s too warm for a doona but not hot enough to raw dog sleep? A top sheet offers a thin, protective layer, not unlike a sausage casing, for those tricky situations.

Lastly: cleanliness. A top sheet is to a doona what undies are to pants, skirts et cetera. A thin piece of fabric that serves to protect other materials from the foul fluids and gross goos that we, as disgusting humans, excrete.

Yes, you can wash your doona cover just as you can wash a top sheet. But cramming the insert back in that oversized pillow case is a torturous, menial task. Also, some people don’t even bother with a doona and opt for a blanket or quilt. Both of these are, arguably, more laborious to clean and may even require dry cleaning. In this economy, are you really going to take your big, bulky quilt to the dry cleaner every week? Be honest.

Alas, you are but a beast if you opt to sleep without a top sheet. A tortured soul akin to Frankenstein’s monster.

Source: Monsters University / Dan Scanlon / Walt Disney Pictures / Pixar Animation Studios