They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but apparently it does if you’re this person in New Zealand who legitimately paid $8,000 for a fucking houseplant.

No, this isn’t a 1000-year-old plant that was hand-planted by Mother Nature herself and fertilised with the tears of angels. Nope, its just a plain ol’ houseplant with four leaves.

According to The Guardian, the variegated minima broke the world record for the most expensive plant ever sold on Trade Me (which seems like the NZ-equivalent of Gumtree).

The plant is described as being “very rare” thanks to the “stunning yellow variegation on every leaf.” But honestly, I don’t think you can say “every” leaf when there are only four. This isn’t a whole ass tree, it’s four leaves with some yellow spots.

But apparently, plants are a hot commodity because it sold for $8,000 despite only coming in a boring black plastic pot.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a sign that the half-dead monstera sitting on your coffee table is a one-way ticket to cash city. The reason the plant racked up such a high price tag is because of the variegation on the leaf.

For anyone playing at home without a horticulture degree, variegation is the fancy way of saying that your plant has fancy coloured patches. They’re super rare, which is why plant enthusiasts can charge out the bloody wazoo for a monstera that looks like you accidentally dropped some white paint on it.

In completely unrelated news, if anyone wants to buy any of my houseplants for $8,000, feel free to hit me up. They aren’t variegated but they *do* have the rare genetic condition known as myownerdoesntwatermeenoughitis.