A Post-It Note-Free Guide To Dealing With Your Pass-Agg Housemate

passive-aggressive

If you live in a share house, you will inevitably have to deal with at least one passive-aggressive housemate. At least. And it doesn’t matter how prudent you are about who you live with, or how reasonable you act, pass-agg incidents are just a fact of sharehouse life. Sad, but true.

Maybe your roomie leaves pointed post-it notes telling everyone to take the bins out (because they’re the ONLY one who does it), or perhaps they prefer sending sassy group texts lamenting over how some people are using so much electricity.

Whatever it is, when you live with someone, you will inevitably see their best and worst sides.

But before we get into how to handle your pass-agg roomie, let’s first outline exactly what passive-aggressive behaviour is.

Put simply, pass-agg folks express their frustration and anger in an indirect way, rather than addressing the issue head-on, which can be incredibly tedious to deal with.

Here to help reduce your housemate-induced stress are a few handy tips and tricks for de-escalating a heated chat with your pass-agg housemate.

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1. Make it about you

It may seem counter-intuitive, but putting the discussion on you, as opposed to them, can often help diffuse the situation. Use “I feel” instead of “you” when explaining your side of the story – putting the focus back on you might help them understand your position and makes them feel less defensive.

2. Be assertive

If they give you a backhanded compliment or utter some nasty remark, don’t let them get away with it. Try saying “it makes me feel pretty bad when you say stuff like that, so please don’t”. They might stop or, if they continue to do it, mention it again – it could be that they’re doing it to just annoy you.

3. When they go low, you go high

Whatever you do, definitely don’t sink to their level. Maybe they’re making digs at you, or perhaps they’re raising their voice – whatever it is, you seem a lot more in control and rational if you just keep taking deep breaths and speak at a normal volume.

4. Chat face-to-face

Texting is famously crap for conveying emotions like sarcasm and anger. If you’re going to confront the housemate about their behaviour, do it in person – that way you can accurately gauge their mood and reaction.

5. Position things as a ‘win/win’

Passive-aggressive behaviour is often just one big power struggle. And the last thing that the pass-agg person wants is to lose. So instead of talking in terms of ‘my way’ and ‘your way’, why not position the compromise or solution as a win/win scenario?

6. Make them feel valued

If you can tell that something’s up, ask them about it. You can open the conversation with something as easy as “you seem a little upset now, what’s bothering you?”. Not only are you showing that you value how they feel, but that you’re an ally trying to help them work through it, rather than their enemy.

7. Reinforce non-shitty behaviour

Much like Pavlov and his pooches, there’s a lot of psychological backing to say that, when you reward a particular behaviour, it happens more. So why not conduct your own secret experiment and start thanking your housemate for doing anything half-decent? You never know, it might make all the difference.

8. Know when to leave

If you find the conversation is getting far too tense or accusatory, remove yourself from the situation by saying something like “this is all getting a bit tense, let’s continue this chat in an hour” – giving you both time to calm down and regroup in a calmer mood.

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