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You might as well order another slice of avocado toast for breakfast tomorrow because Melbourne house prices have just copped it’s biggest price surge in two decades, so it’s not like you can bloody afford one anyway.

Living in a capital city is expensive, that’s not a secret. Heck, I envy my small town mates who have all bought houses for less than $200k every single day. But for a hot second there, the thought of actually being able to own a property in Melbourne felt like more than just a pipe dream.

But thanks to low-interest rates and the fact that everybody is trying to snap up a property post-lockdown, house prices have gone through the roof*.

*no, you don’t own the roof, you rent it from a landlord who probably owns like seven houses and a yacht.

According to the Real Estate Institute of Victoria’s latest report from December 2020, the median price for a house in metropolitan Melbourne is…

Wait for it…

$941,000.

That’s a whopping 9.5% higher than the same report documented for the September quarter, marking the region’s largest spike in 21 years.

Basically, if being locked in your house for a majority of last year made you think “huh, I should probably buy a house”, you’re not alone because that’s exactly what everyone thought.

“It’s pushed people to make decisions, to make a decision about buying a property,” Real Estate Institute of Victoria President Leah Calnan told 7 News.

Obviously, house prices increased differently depending on which area of Melbourne you’re keen to call home, but unless you’re quite literally rolling in the dough, you might want to forget about Malvern East, which rose a whopping 28.5% last quarter.

Similarly, scratch Fitzroy North and Essendon off the list, unless you want to pay 22.8% and 26.8% more respectively.

Thinking you might head out to the eastern suburbs to save some cash? Think again, my friend. Camberwell, Balwyn, Canterbury, Bentleigh East and Mitcham also saw hikes of approximately 20%.

It’s worth noting that the REIV median price only accounts for houses sold during that quarter, not the overall value of all properties in the area.

Prices are expected to continue to rise over the coming months, reaching a new high in approximately eight months if they continue on the same trajectory.

If you’re looking to enter the property market in the next few years, might I suggest Perth, where the median price sits at a slightly-less fucked $490,000?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to keep renting a shitty sharehouse bedroom for the rest of my life.