Although a heavy smoker, I’m strictly a joint gal – always have been. “Ladies don’t smoke bongs” was my cute auto-response every time I was offered a hit. I did this mainly as a self-restraint strategy, as I knew once I dipped my pretty little toes into the bong life waters, I would soon be drowning.

I was saving the bong lifestyle for either hopeless unemployment or an end-of-the-world type situation – a pamdemic if you will…

So here I am, clutching onto a bong a lot sooner in my life than anticipated. My friend Georgia sent one to my house as a surprise (which made me have a friendship orgasm), and even though as I am sinking closer to the ocean floor, the view is relaxing and tranquil, so I shall bong on for now.

However, I’ve learned quickly that living your best stoner life requires persistent maintenance and upkeep – cruel and ironic, I know.

So why should you clean your bong? Well, for a lot of reasons.

  • Right off the bat, a dirty bong will make the marijuana taste like shit. If you don’t like the smell and taste of Mary Jane as it is, you sure as hell won’t like sucking it up from a grimy bong, take it from me. Tastes like rat’s liver.
  • Would you brush your teeth twice a day without cleaning the toothbrush for a year? You would gag at the thought, surely. Bacteria builds up in your bong exactly the same from all of your spit. And spit goes back into the bong water that you are inhaling right back up. *Shudders*.
  • The hits are wayyyy less smooth, and coughing is just not sexy, b. You might have to try and do it in a few goes.
  • The longer you leave it the harder it will be to clean. Their structure and shape make it impossible to get into all of its nooks and crannies and scrub away with common household tools. So, you must clean regularly before they start to permanently stain and build up with gunk. Your bong is pretty, she is your friend, look after her. They also can be quite pricey, so more money spent on replacing bongs is less money spent on bud.
  • Lastly, fellas. A dirty bong = a dirty dick. Don’t give off the wrong impression to the hottie you just bought home.

How often you should clean your will obviously be related to how often you use it, but yeah pretty regularly. Every 48 hours for heavier, everyday smokers at the very least, and I’m telling you that as the grubbiest girl in Sydney – I just washed my sheets for the first time in over six months, Janurary actually. If you hit the bong just a couple of times during the week, make sure you wash it every few days, but don’t go longer than a week. If you seldom use your bong, maybe just on special occasions, best to just clean it after each use.

You should also take into consideration how many people are using your bong. The more people the more often you should clean, der. I’m in no position to give pamdemic advice but, I would personally recommend only one heavy smoker per bong.

Some signs you need to clean your bong right now include brown AF water, fat resin stains around the circumference, a general brown tinge around the whole thing, a bad smell, and a congested cone piece.

So, how do you clean it? I thought I would consult my fellow stoner friends first, for their expertise to help me. I started with my bong-iest friend, Sean.

A promising start. Probably wasn’t a good idea to ask my bongiest friend anything at all. So I consulted the internet. A how-to will change depending on what type of bong you have because of course:

For my now tried and tested method, you will need rubbing alcohol or vinegar, kosher salt, hot water, and tiny Tupperware containers. Never ever use any harsh chemicals to clean your bong. Yes, it will do the job but you won’t live long enough appreciate after you take the next hit. Nothing toxic should come into contact with your bong unless your sexiest ex is hanging around your house.

A Step-By-Step Guide To Cleaning Your Bong

  • Pour out the bong water. Don’t give it to the plants, they don’t want it.
  • Disassemble the pieces that you can. One of the bongs in my house is this genius Miteybeug which you can pretty much take apart completely. This is the easiest bong to clean perhaps ever, would 10/10 recommend buying when back in stock.
  • Run hot, hot water through every part to give it a general clean. Not boiling water though, it will stink up your house big time – what’s cooking? Resin soup. Black gunk will start pouring out of the downstem especially.
  • Put each removable part (downstem, cone piece, whatever else you can separate) into separate Tupperware containers with about a quarter cup of rubbing alcohol (or vinegar) and a tablespoon of kosher salt (normal salt will work too I imagine).
  • Shake it like you are jerking off – horrible reference but it will make sense in motion. Science will do its thing and all of the baked-on doja will start breaking down. Feel free to add more salt/rubbing alcohol if you think it needs it.

  • Once you feel tired, just leave the pieces soaking for another 15 mins or so.
  • Pour salt in the bong, around 4 tablespoons – a lot with half a cup of the alcohol. Cover all the holes, perhaps with tea towels (you might find an easier way), and jerk vigorously. Honestly, it’s like 8-10 mins of jerking which should no sweat for the single fellas and bad gals lol.
  • Now rinse everything under hot water again. Ensure you get rid of all of the salt if it didn’t already dissolve.
  • Ta-da!!!

Is your bong Santana feat Rob Thomas? Because the next hit will be Smooth! (Brilliant, Van). For alternative methods, my friend Laura suggests a Dentures Cleaner (LOL). “Just soak for an hour and it comes out great. I have also put a rag on the end of a chopstick to clean the neck before and that works well”. Genius. I must try it. I have used a tiny toothbrush in the past too. My friend Fish recommends simply “Pure alcohol and pipe cleaners”.

Lots of websites recommend using rice as an alternative to the salt to clean bongs but Laura says steer clear of this if you have multiple chambers in your bong. “The rice gets stuck and it’s a literal nightmare to get out.”

Another of my friends, Joel suggested a special bong cleaner formula. Georgia swears by this goo remover from Woolies. Just pour in and shake. I would be keen to try but can’t promise anything. Plus rubbing alcohol and salt isn’t the most difficult recipe to prepare.

Anyway, take care of your bong and it will sure as hell take care of you.

Hermione Ganja xox