You’re an adult now. You’re getting your life together, and hey, you even have a cheeky house plant (or five) to prove it.
But you’ve also opened up yourself to the judgement of your peers, and me in particular.
The plants you’ve chosen to decorate your home say a lot about your character, so you better believe we’re about to dissect which plants indicate what character flaws you might have.
Here’s what that dude on Better Homes and Gardens won’t tell you about your choices in floral furnishing. Proceed at your own risk.
A cactus from Bunnings
You’re handy. You go to hardware stores to buy stuff.
But you’re also lazy. So lazy, in fact, that you bought a plant which you barely need to water, and which barely takes up any space.
Bunnings cacti may be beautiful but choosing one is a cop out. You’re buying and raising a little plant without putting in any effort.
Nothing says ‘afterthought’ like a Bunnings cactus. It just sits there, daring to prick your skin all day long.
A monstera
You’re a boring adult now, which is why you opted for this boring plant.
Nobody with a monstera has put any thought into their choice beyond wanting to get “a nice plant for the house” in the first place.
Congratulations, you’ve sacrificed your last shroud of personality at the altar of societal convention.
What a milestone. Bonus points if you have a shirt with a monstera-leaf pattern.
Aloe vera
You’re lazy, but sensitive.
Aloe vera is the succulent that tells people you care about skincare and/or having clear sinuses.
You don’t ever have to actually cut up the fronds of aloe and smear the gunk on your skin – just owning it is enough.
Nobody will suspect that you only chose it because it’s yet another low-maintenance succulent that looks generic enough not to have to think carefully about its placement inside or outside of a room.
Herbs
You like to cook, which is a plus.
However: These. Are. Not. House plants. They don’t belong indoors unless you have a very wide windowsill in your kitchen.
Basil and rosemary grow too quickly. Everything else is too pungent/ugly/delicate to keep indoors.
Save the edible plants for the garden, kiddo.
An orchid
You’re patient and attentive.
Orchards take their sweet time to bloom, but when they do, it’s a thing of beauty.
But the bliss is always short-lived, and before you know it you’ll be picking up shriveled petals and stamens off the floor.
Does watching orchids bloom give you a rush? Are you ready to commit your whole personality to a fleeting moment once a year?
Lucky bamboo
You probably own a lot of teddy bears.
Don’t confuse this with bamboo growing in your garden. The lucky bamboo I’m specifically referring to here is the kind of pot plant you buy at a pop-up florist in a suburban shopping centre that sells more love heart balloons than it does flowers.
Each to their own, but you’ve gotta have a very particular taste for this one. And that taste is bad.
A Venus flytrap
You love telling your mates not to touch things.
Like seriously, the only reason you buy shit is so people will be inclined to get their grubby fingers all over it.
But that can’t happen. You relish in saying “NO”.
Of course when no one’s around, you feed the shit out of your Venus flytrap. They’re your hungry babies, and you’re their overindulgent parent.
A kokedama
You’re rich and buy your way out of life’s problems.
That doesn’t actually make the problems disappear, but it does keep them out of sight and out of mind for a little while.
Your friends are probably jealous of you and your bougie plants.
Also good luck once they go out of fashion.
A fiddle-leaf fern
You’re into aesthetics.
You probably have a well-curated Insta, and maybe you even work at trendy media job.
But no, you don’t have a slick aesthetic, actually. You just don’t own enough stuff to make a mess in the first place.
Go put some art on your walls and stop using these poor plants to make green the secondary colour of your otherwise all-white home.
The verdict
Nobody wins.
You’re not kidding anyone by using house plants to mask the chaos of your life. At least they look pretty, though.
Remember to enjoy your house plants and water them well.
