What The Absolute Fuck Is Going On With This Hideous House

Sometimes I bless the internet, and sometimes I curse it. I bless it when it presents me with something marvellous – a dog dancing to Eminem, a particularly great Tweet from a brilliant mind, or the exact lipstick worn by someone in a movie.

I curse it when it presents me with terrible takes on social issues, people trying to get attention for stupid things that will make other, impressionable people do stupid things, and hideous shit.

I am extremely torn by this house, therefore.

What the honest hell is going on here. As my mum would say, “why does this person have so many cha-chis”. Anything that fills up a room but serves no purpose = a cha-chi. I don’t know why. Just accept it.

Anyway let’s continue accosting our eyes with this abomination, shall we?

Here’s the relatively normal exterior of the Detroit-based house, which you can currently purchase for a cool $714,000.

It’s fine, right? Very my-nans-house but like, not that eye-sorey. Except then you head inside…

What in the world is that roof? And the amount of cha-chis, I am not coping. My claustrophobia is flaring up.

Why have you got so many monogrammed towels? They’re just sitting all over the sink, you can’t possibly use that sink like that. And what is that towel-filled vase doing there? STOP THIS.

STOP IT AT ONCE. (Except leave the toilet cover I love those things).

Here’s a fun description from the listing, by the way.

Unique barely begins to describe this one of a kind Grixdale Farms estate. Every aspect of “Lion Gate Estate” has been articulated with painstaking attention to detail and mind blowing decorative flair. Too many custom features to list!  

JUST SO MANY. Like this catastrophe:

There’s not one, but two rooms with this aesthetic, which I like to call “putting a random square block covered in silk in the middle of a room and then surround it with sculptures for no goddamn reason”.

Don’t you think it looks weird and ritualistic? Also WHY IS THERE A PLUSH DOG PERCHED ON A FOOT STOOL.

Oh, I see. The plush dog is the least of our concerns because the dining room features two evil gremlin dolls who are preparing to slit our throats in our sleep.

And here we have a portal to hell, obviously.

I can’t even work out this room. Is that a plastic rug, or a plastic-covered rug?

This roof is great and I will accept no arguments against the fact.

As Alex noted, this roof looks like something out of The Shimmer in Annihilation. That, or Jumanji. Either way, it should be burned.


I’m not even touching this. I don’t understand it and I do not care to.

Mmmm, lime green accents.

Are you fucking kidding me? These are your online real estate photos. Why have you a) taken a photo of what seems to just be a stairwell to nowhere and b) left it filled with garbage?

Honestly what is happening. Is this the way the apocalypse begins? I’m not ready.

Check out the entire listing here.