These Extremely Portly 6-Person Pool Floats Are Demonic & Must Be Eliminated

Everyone knows there’s no point having a pool float these days unless it accosts the eyes and can be used in an Instagram post with hashtags #summerlovin #whereyoudratherbe #dayslikethis. A regular, boring old rectangular floatie? Get out of the pool. Get out immediately and go sit in the Time Out zone to think about your life choices.

I’m all for a zesty flamingo or a pizza slice floatie. Hell, I’ll admit it – I have a flamingo and I put it in my parents pool and fell asleep on it while drinking a mimosa, and then the mimosa fell into the pool and mum yelled at me.

Love those spicy floats. Love ’em. Unless they are this big and TERRIFYING.

Oh sure, be smug now. Soon I will peck each of your hearts out one by one.

That’s a 6 person pool float from American store Sam’s Club. No, you can’t buy them in Australia. I guess you could make a mate buy one in the States and ship it to you? But also Sam’s Club is one of those members-only situations so they’d have to join and… it’s already CBF, isn’t it. Let’s just gaze upon the horror that is, instead.

Here we have a stupid man climbing back onto the very thing that will eat him alive.

First question – why is it’s head and neck so intensely out of proportion with the rest of it’s body? I know this is a stupid question to ask considering this “flamingo” has a flat body with a deep groove for seating human beings and is therefore not remotely in proportion REGARDLESS of it’s maniac of a noggin, but if this image is legit that head/neck area is the length of two tall men. I don’t like it. I do not like this at all.

“Hey did anyone hear something? It sounded like ‘I will murder you and your entire family’ but I probs imagined it lol idk”

There’s also a unicorn, which is slightly less horrific but also looks like it would come alive at night and flap those inflatable wings to freedom, except then as you watched it soar away into the sky, it would arc back around, bend it’s elongated neck so it’s horn was pointed right at you, and gun it right for your face. That is exactly what would happen.

I will lure you in with spaces to put your craft beer.

But by far, the most fucked up monster pool float is this demon peacock.

“Hey has anyone seen Brad, last I saw he was swimming underneath this thing. He’s probs fine though and hasn’t been clawed to death by this bird’s secret death claws.”

Why would anyone want to float around with that fucking BIONIC EYE remotely within the space of their person? I feel like it’s seeing directly into my soul and casting a few curses in there for good measure, and I’m just looking at it through a computer screen.

“You know what, it’s sad we lost Brad via a painful peacock claw death but I’m REALLY enjoying the recline on this tail.”

In short, let’s burn all of these with fire and never speak of them again. Just like we should not start cloning human beings, so too we should not make pool floaties bigger than 2 person size, max.