Like excessive money, fame and alcohol, the gym tends to bring out the absolute worst in otherwise normal people.
Instead of standing by and watching these flagrant assaults on human decency go on any longer, we’ve compiled this list of the thirteen worst offenders. Pray to the sweet aesthetic gods that you are not one of them.
1. THE INSTAGRAMMER
The attire: Jagged leggings. A P.E. Nation crop top. Nike Frees.
The workout: Mainly the treadmill, naturally. Sometimes indulges in light Pilates practice, a few squats. Did F45 once just to location-tag for the gram.
The mantra: “Can we get an acai bowl? I’m famished ATM.”
2. THE ‘ACADEMY OF FITNESS’ / ‘SAGE FITNESS’ DROPOUT
The attire: They’re relatively inconspicuous. They look like your average gym-goer, making them all the more lethal.
The workout: Dropping in on your set, making you take your earphones out, and explaining to you what you’re doing wrong.
The mantra: “I’ve always loved helping people.”
3. THE VERBAL ZUMBA LADY
once I drop Jayden and Hailee off at school, Zumba is my me time
The attire: She’s almost always got the I-want-to-speak-to-your-manager haircut. A Lorna Jane “Move, Nourish, Believe” tank top. Lululemon flared leggings. Chunky fluorescent Asics.
The workout: Zumba. She’s real into it. Really really real into it.
The mantra: “I’m better than the teacher and you bet I will let out a little “woo” every time we finish a track.”
4. THE GEAR GUY
The attire: All black, all tight. A duffle bag with every piece of superfluous equipment available for purchase to the public. Straps, gloves, tape. You name it, he bought it.
The workout: Crossfit.
The mantra: “I’m also vegan.”
5. THE “GEAR” GUY
he is listening to this choooooooooon on repeat
The attire: Long shorts. Baggy t-shirt. Gold chain. Rats tail. Peak cap.
The workout: Feverishly munching gums.
The mantra: “I work hard but I play even harder, brah.”
6. THE STRETCH GUY
The attire: He’s over 50 – his ballsack is draped in the skin of a prehistoric reptile – but that doesn’t stop him wearing tights that make the nards POP (a byproduct of his fruitful years as a dancer).
The workout: Zumba. The only male in Zumba. Followed by stretching horizontally across the mats and doing the splits for a solid 25 minutes.
The mantra: “If you don’t use it, you lose it, sweet cheeks.”
7. THE HORNY MIRROR GUY
The attire: A singlet so low his pierced nipple is proudly on show. It’s a little bit infected. Most likely has a man bun.
The workout: Anything in front of the mirror.
The mantra: “I want to fuck myself.”
8. THE THREE CLUELESS TEENS
The attire: School gym clothes.
The workout: They’re just three teens, here to work out. They’re spying on what AESTHETIC is doing, getting some idea on how to replicate his exercises, but with shockingly incorrect form. Will most likely give up after 15 minutes and start hanging out in the corner talking about COD.
The mantra: “Chicks love muscles, right?”
9. THE ‘AESTHETIC’ GUY
essential reading (if it comes in audiobook form)
The attire: Nike bumbag, TMJ singlet and Tns. High hair.
The workout: Anything and everything but legs.
The mantra: “2007 was just like, a better time, do u no what I mean? Love John Course. Also u mirin brah? Baha :P”
10. THE BEAUTY SCHOOL
The attire: An entire MAC factory on the 10 x 6 inch area that is her face.
The exercise: Maybe elliptical, perhaps the bike – anything that ensures she does not sweat.
The mantra: “That’s hot.”
11. THE WOT
The attire: God only knows.
The workout: Titled simply as THE WOT, this person has literally absolutely naught a clue what they’re doing, or even how they got here. They’re jumping around while doing lat pulldowns, doing push-ups in the squat rack and giving you second-hand embarrassment.
The mantra: “Wot the fuck am I doing?”
12. THE MIGHTY GRUNTER
The attire: Something offensive.
The workout: Anything involving weights that are far too heavy for them. They’re on a one way express to fart-and-or-shart hinterland and I for one will be ecstatic when they arrive.
The mantra: “HHHHHHHHYyyyyyyeeeees. HHHHHHNNNNNGGGgggggggg. AAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHHHhhhh.”
13. THE STANKY KENT
The attire: A matching fleece tracksuit with absolutely zero ventilation. Worn-in white runners.
The workout: Whatever they want, whenever. They don’t have to wait their turn to use a machine, as anyone who was previously around them has now evacuated the premises. Clever strategy, STANKY.
The mantra: “I stink.”
Photo: John Cena.
