A Sexologist On Managing Coitus Expectations, Whether They’re A One-Nighter Or Long-Term

I dunno exactly who needs to hear this, but I do know that it’s plenty of people: sex ain’t all done and dusted when a dude cums.

Shocking, I know. Believe it or not, that’s just one of the completely unexpected and mind-blowing tidbits Chantelle Otten dropped when discussing sex.

The award-winning Sexologist knows a thing-or-two about bumping pretties (let’s move that narrative away from genitals being ‘ugly’, shall we), so she’s bringing her expertise to our upcoming self-care festival in Melbourne on Feb 22..

Dubbed Selfish Saturday presented by The House Of Angostura, the event will feature Chantelle as well as a stack of other guests, tunes, food and booze. You can grab tix HERE.

Before we get to the specifics though, PEDESTRIAN.TV chatted to Chantelle to get her advice on a few scenarios surrounding dating, sex, sex and sex.

P.TV: If you’re having a one-night stand, how do you bring up the conversation around what pushes your buttons if you don’t feel completely comfortable opening up to a semi-stranger?

CO: Sex, no matter how long you’ve been with your partner – 10 years, one year, six months or five minutes – always involves a level of trust. If we feel super comfortable with a person, we may trust them more easily and it may be easier to have those hard sexual conversations.

However, opening up to our partners and feeling confident in asserting our sexual barriers has more to do with ourselves than our partners a lot of the time. If our sexual self-esteem is slow, we may not have the ability to be assertive in the bedroom – sometimes we just need a bit of help raising our own confidence.

For anyone feeling like this, please check out my online sexual self-esteem course, as everyone should feel confident in their sexuality and eroticism. My suggestion is to simply state that, for example, “I love when you go down on me”, or “My favourite is when my ears get nibbled”.

P.TV: What do you recommend couples should do if they have different expectations in the bedroom?

CO: This is one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, as it’s pretty normal for different people to have different wants and desires in the bedroom. The first step is to always negotiate. A relationship is a partnership, meaning there are two individuals needing to find harmony together.

This may involve communicating what each person expects in the bedroom firstly to see where the gaps are. Making a ‘Want, Will, Won’t’ list can also be helpful. Couples need to communicate what they want but distinguish it from a need. Wanting sex five times a week is great, but maybe you’d also be happy with sex three times a week – something that might be more acceptable to your partner that only wanted sex twice a week!

Or, maybe negotiating sex twice a week and a third erotic adventure that doesn’t involve penetration at all (oral sex or hand jobs may be just as stimulating). Remembering that oral sex is still sex. Mutual masturbation (masturbating in front of each other) is still sex. An erotic massage is still sex. Sex does not have to be a full three-course meal every time – sometimes just an entree is enough to fill you up.

P.TV: How can we change the expectation that sex ends when the man finishes?

CO: The best way to remove this expectation is to focus on pleasure, having pleasure be the objective and nothing else. Sex is not determined by a man ejaculating nor should it determine the completion of sex. We need to remove all sexual expectations and simply highlight what we enjoy and find satisfying.

Do we believe all sexual experiences need penetration? Do all sexual experiences need an orgasm? We need to look at what we want out of the erotic experience, determine what that is and communicate it to our partner! Maybe we want an orgasm before we initiate penetration with our partner, maybe we want one after, maybe we don’t really care about an orgasm but just want some pleasurable stroking after he finishes. Whatever it is. we need to let our partners know. Many say for women, foreplay begins the second after our last orgasm, so keep the focus on pleasure.

A Sexologist On Managing Coitus Expectations, Whether They’re A One-Nighter Or Long-Term

P.TV: How do you introduce toys to your relationship without making your partner feel threatened or inadequate?

CO: Toys can be amazingly fun to use with our partners, they can bring in new sensations to our bodies we would otherwise never experience! I would recommend starting off by introducing some great lubricants and simple toys, like clitoral stimulators or penis strokers.

To get out of this idea of inadequacy, our partner needs to be fully involved with the toy themselves! This might mean using a fingertip vibrator, something they can wear on their finger to add pleasurable sensations to their partner. Lovehoney has a great range of finger vibrators (like the basic finger ring vibrator) that’s super easy to use. That way they are still involved, not just watching you use a vibrator (though that visual might not be all that disliked!) Additionally, toys like penis strokers are directly for male use and can show them that toys aren’t just for a female body.

P.TV: Can you give us a simplified rundown of what a sexologist counselling session would consist of?

CO: The first thing to point out is that our sexology sessions are based on psychological work and sexual education, they are not ‘hands-on’ sessions. We work with the biggest sexual organ: the brain.

The therapy sessions are about allowing space that is warm and comfortable for people to open up about their sexual issues and experiences. The first session will include the completion of an initial evaluation form and then discussions through a number of topics, potentially including physical health, medical and psychological history, childhood, family, beliefs around gender and sexuality, current and past relationships and more.

The key part to a successful therapy session is being open and honest with your sexologist. Remember, all conversations in-session are confidential and judgement-free!

You can listen to Chantelle’s insight in-depth on Feb 22 at Melbourne’s The Timber Yard, where she’s set to run her sex-ed class for adults.

Here’s a convenient rundown of what else is in store for you at Selfish Saturday:

  • The Sex-Ed You’ll Thank Us For Later w/ Chantelle Otten
  • Nude Drawing Classes
  • Vibrator Races
  • The Big Gay Debate
  • Social Media and Self-Care w/ Alex Hayes and Batyr
  • Climate Action & Sustainability w/ Laura Wells
  • Stand-Up Sesh w/ Double Denim
  • Meeting Melbourne’s Movers & Money-Makers w/ Jenni Ryall
  • The House Of Angostura’s Pop-Up Better Mix Bar
  • Sportsgirl’s Beauty Pop-Up

You can suss out tix and more info right ‘ERE.

A Sexologist On Managing Coitus Expectations, Whether They’re A One-Nighter Or Long-Term

Image: Sex Education