An Open Letter To Those Who Don’t Wrap Their Willy Before Getting Silly


Dearest Hazard,

I trust you’re having a splendid day. I hate to interrupt your busy schedule but you see, a little (albeit nosey) birdy told me that you’ve been having unprotected sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m the first to advocate for a romp in the sack – it feels great, everyone has fun and you’re momentarily distracted from life’s tomfoolery, it’s honestly a dream.

However, I implore you to rethink your current safe-sex routine – lack thereof. I don’t mean to pry but it’s hard to listen to little birdies chirping about such a serious topic without acting on it. Consider it my civic duty.

Regardless of your sexual activity – whether it’s with people you’ve just met or someone you’ve been exclusively dating for a while – the risk of contracting an STI increases drastically if you don’t use protection.

This sounds like pretty basic knowledge, ey? Well, good sir or ma’am, I have a pretty huge pill for you to swallow – it’s not as common knowledge as you’d think. Even though you might be aware of the risks of unprotected sex, who’s to say that your boinking partner knows the same info? What if your partner doesn’t believe in contraception, or isn’t aware that STIs can be contracted through an act as seemingly risk-free as oral sex?

In all honesty, there’s absolutely no way we can determine whether our partners are STI-free. The best option is to go to the STI clinic or local GP together before you start fooling around but realistically speaking, horny people rarely think that far ahead.

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So, my sexually active comrades, might I suggest you push through that haze of arousal and start preparing for your next sexual encounter. After all, how many of us have heard absolute horror stories from our mates and have simply brushed it off, unperturbed because of the dangerous belief that “it’ll never happen to us”? I’m assuming more than a few.

The grim truth is that it can happen to us. It does happen to us. And it’s far easier to prevent an STI than it is to rid ourselves of one. Without making you crap your dacks, certain STIs can’t be eradicated from your body and you’ll have to carry it with you for the rest of your life.

Now look, I’m a reasonable man. I don’t expect you to read this and have a sudden revelation that you’ve been nothing short of reckless up until this point. I assume it’ll take some time for it to sink in. Perhaps it’ll dawn on you when your crotch starts to feel itchy. Maybe you’ll grasp what I’m saying when you’re sweating bullets on the way to the doctors. Worst case scenario, you finally understand what I’m ranting on about when you get diagnosed with chlamydia, or syphilis, or HPV, or herpes. I sincerely hope that’s not the case, Hazard, but if you keep having unprotected sex with reckless abandon, the odds are stacked against you.

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Oh jeez, would you look at that? I made that sound far too ominous. No, wait, ‘far too’ is incorrect. I made that sound exactly as ominous as it should. It’s time to shape up. Too many times I’ve listened to a distraught person in complete disbelief as they come to terms with the fact that they now have an incurable STI. Often, it was at the hands of someone else who was selfish enough not to tell their partner they had an STI.

You can’t trust other people to take care of your sexual health or to be honest about their own, so you have to do everything in your power to ensure you’re as safe as you can possibly be. Still have fun and get your rocks off as you see fit – just don’t be bloody careless about it.

For yours and your sexual partners’ peace of mind, get checked on the reg with every new partner or once a year. Also, I do apologise for my inability to be less blunt, but some partners also cheat and a cheating partner is less likely to admit that they have an STI in case you find out they’ve been cheating – just something to keep in the back your mind.

Sexual partners can come and go, but STIs might be forever.

Yours truly,

Guardian Sex Angel

P.s. If you’d like actual statistics and more info on STIs you might be unaware of, hit up the Queensland Health Stop the rise of STIs website here. And don’t forget team, head to your local GP or sexual health clinic to get yourselves tested once a year or with every new partner. Be safe, play safe.