Look, maybe this is normal to you. Maybe, to you, the idea of waking up before dawn to begin a series of workouts seems as ordinary as taking a piss. You might well be the sort of hypermotivated person whose eyes snap open of their own accord two minutes before your alarm goes off, your entire body vibrating with excitement at the prospect of punishing your body with perfectly executed squats. I simply don’t know. To me — a person who generally wakes up at about 9:30 and considers walking briskly to be high-intensity exercise — the daily schedule that Mark Wahlberg claims to adhere to is absolutely insane.

Before I begin addressing what exactly is messed about this, I will allow you to drink in this schedule that he just posted to Instagram in your own time:

I’ve previously had a job that required me to wake up at 3am five days a week and it was hell. I did it because I needed the money, Mark Wahlberg is a millionaire, he can wake up at any damn time he wants. Only some sort of monster would do this to themselves on purpose, I don’t reckon God would be mad if you scheduled your prayer for later in the day. I am briefly back on board at the inclusion of two breakfasts, though. Breakfast is a great meal, why not do it twice.

The half an hour of golf is mildly perplexing. Time-wise that’s really only practical if you either a) live on the golf course (poss. illegal) or b) are using one of those weird indoor simulated driving range things, which doesn’t count as golf. Give us answers, Wahlberg!!!

Immediately it becomes obvious why he only gives himself half an hour to golf: he has 90 minutes set aside for ‘snack’. Place your bets now on whether it’s lots of snacks or just one snack eaten very slowly. Obviously, this full hour and a half of snacking is so intense that it requires a full hour of recovering in a cryo chamber, followed by another half hour of snacking. This motherf**ker loves to snack!

Then begins the four hours of the day in which he actually does work (broken up by an hour for lunch, obviously). Some would argue that as an actor, maintaining his physique is an integral part of his job and therefore the exercise is also work, but at the same time: eat the rich.

The rest of the day is relatively ordinary, except for another snacking sesh bringing the combined snacking time of this man’s day to two and a half hours — to be clear, this is the amount of time he spends eating that does not include breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

What a life.

Image: Getty Images / Frederick M. Brown