It was 2017. One of my favorite rappers at the time YG was coming to town (fresh off the ‘Still Brazy’ album, you know). My uncle has a few hookups in the music industry and he handed me two free tickets to YG’s show, both AAA. I had recently slept with another of my favourite rappers, and was excited to solidify my position as #1 Sydney rapper hoe amongst my friends by (hopefully) doing the dirty with YG. 

Anal bleaching was all the buzz at the time. Kanye dropped The Life Of Pablo with the infamous line “If I fuck this model, and she just bleached her asshole…” only one year before and I was quick to notice its effects through the porn I was was watching.

Almost every girl had a bleached one. I wanted mine bleached, too. Also I have bleach-blonde hair – why not match the drapes with the asshole? It was time to prepare, Brazilian wax – check, hair done, nails done everything did – check.

The problem being, I hopefully had a dick appointment with YG that night (unbeknownst to him), an unbleached asshole and to make things more complex, I was at work. I had to think quickly, so I began to Google solutions. 

It was like the tenth suggestion down this Amaira Skincare asshole bleaching info page but..

I wasted no time (or lime). I sliced a thick lemon wedge triangle, like how you would slice a cake, and headed to the office bathroom. I slid it between my ass cheeks and put my pants back on. I’m not going to lie, there are no words to describe the odd feeling of having fresh lemon in your ass cheeks, there just aren’t.

I knew I had to stand up for the rest of the day, otherwise the lemon would slide from the place it needed to be. Luckily I had the option of a standing desk back then, and could work as an effective office manager all while bleaching my asshole with some lemon.

It stung for the first few minutes, which was a good thing in my opinion as I could feel it working. Keeping the lemon in place wasn’t as hard as you might imagine, I just had to push it back in there every so often, like reverse picking a wedgie.

After 2 hours I went to check the results in the office bathroom. Needless to say, this was risky business in and of itself. I told the ladies of the office to give me five minutes alone in there as I was doing some “office manager repairs, nothing out of the ordinary”. They respected my wishes and I walked with a limp toward the bathroom.

I was pleasantly surprised. This procedure cost literally nothing and the results were in – a noticeably lighter asshole indeed. I couldn’t wait to show YG (maybe). 

Since then, I have used this DIY trick on a few occasions. But it works less effectively every time. I would say the results last for about 48 hours, best results in the first four. You may also lose some dignity in the process. 

As I was leaving for YG my mum called me, saying she had spoken to my uncle and said I wasn’t going to YG unless I took my sister. My thirteen-year-old sister. I still tried to get backstage, but the bouncer took one look at the underage girl then back at me and said “No.”  

I had stuck a lemon up my ass for nothing. Well almost nothing, at least I can share my life hack with you. When life gives you lemons hey…

Image: Getty Images