Before I begin this article, I would just like to let my employers know that I not only love them, but have never ever faked sick in my entire life. Do I know how to? Of course. Do I encourage deceiving your bosses for personal gain? Absolutely not. Anyway, here’s how to fake sick and get out of work.
Getting out of work ‘sick’ is an art that many of us know, but few of us are confident enough to put to action. It requires a certain je ne sais quoi that few people possess, a must only be used when absolutely necessary.
You might want to get out of work because of a hangover, an overwhelming amount of life admin or just laziness, it’s up to you really. Before we get into the tips on how to fake sick, however, be sure to use this trick sparingly, and only when utterly necessary. Some days you actually will be sick, and you don’t want your lovely employers to start questioning your honesty.
Anyway, without further ado, here are some handy tips on…
How to fake sick
1. Lay the groundwork beforehand
Nobody likes to be sprung with the fact that you’re sick as a dog out of nowhere, especially in these trying times.
If you’re planning on calling in sick, it’s best to lay the groundwork on the days/day before the fact. And no, I don’t mean fake coughing around the office, because that’s no fun.
Aim for things that nobody can disprove like a super sore throat or an absolutely throbbing headache. Unfortunately for me, when I complain about these things out loud in the office it’s because I actually have these ailments, but nobody is going to deny you when you say you’re feeling crook.
By establishing the fact that you’re starting to get sick, it makes sense that you’ll get progressively worse. Nobody wants to catch things off you either, so that helps. Just let your boss know that you’re gonna go get a COVID test (because you have to when you’re sick) and then things will sound extra legit.
And hey, maybe use the day off to get an actual COVID test. Who doesn’t love getting their nussy hit?
2. Get shit done
It’s important that if you’re going to fake sick, or as some call it, chuck a sickie, that you get everything you need to get done at work all finished up. You don’t want to be taking a day off when there is an increasingly large amount of shit for you to do, as it’ll just make your life harder for when you head back.
Wrap up all your egregious tasks, do as much work as you possibly can, and sign off knowing that you can take the next day off and just chillax.
Also maybe pop a Strepsil in your mouth as you bid adieu to your workplace friends, just so they have that visual reminder of how absolutely wrecked your immune system is.
3. Text your boss/bosses at an ungodly hour
Avert your eyes, dear manager, for this trick is something I have been using for years. In fact, I do it every time I’m actually sick too, and sometimes even I convince myself that maybe I’m not well. That’s just how convincing this trick is.
The only time this trick didn’t work was when I worked for a super busy cafe that didn’t like anyone being sick because it meant being understaffed for the day. I mean, ultimately that’s on you babes, not me.
Let your boss know at an ungodly hour that you will not be able to come into work because you’re sick as hell, but let them know at a time that nobody should be up. I’m talking 6 am or 11.30 pm, when most people will be sleeping. Why aren’t you sleeping? Because you’re coughing/vomming and can’t bear to get up and go to work.
You’ll be able to sleep in extra well knowing that your message has been received, and the fact that you’re even texting at said times will really send the message that you’re not okay.
If your workplace is one that needs a bit of time in notice beforehand, then let them know the night before (at a reasonable time) that you’ll be heading to the COVID testing clinics the following day and having a day to rest up.
Good luck out there, friends.
4. Don’t post to socials, you idiot
The golden rule of how to fake sick. Social media? Don’t know her. Absolutely forget about it.
Do not post a single thing on your sick day off. Nothing. Don’t even share a Spotify song that you like to your Insta story.
You don’t want to cast any doubt on the fact that you’re not actually sick, and something about a selfie with the girls on Bondi Beach doesn’t exactly spell out “cripplingly ill”.
So yeah, just don’t post to socials. Just don’t. Not even a pic of you looking miserable with the caption “feeling so sick rn”. It’s not worth it.
5. Get an actual doctor’s certificate
If your workplace requires a doctor’s certificate, please go and get one. We may be lying to our bosses about being sick, but what we’re not going to do is forge notes from medical professionals.
And hey, who knows, you might find something out during your check-up anyway. You can also have an over-the-phone consultation to get your certificate, which helps.
One time I had a phone consult just to get my doctor’s certificate after lying about being sick, but used the opportunity to mention my pretty bad sinus that happens sometimes. Turns out I had to get an intense nasal spray and it ended up saving me through Spring.
So yeah, you never know what’ll happen, just don’t fake a doctor’s certificate.
So, those are my handy tips on how to fake sick and get out of work. Try them on your boss and let me know how you go.
Now, if you need me, I think I feel a cough coming on. Damn. Might not be writing any articles tomorrow…