If there is one thing this broken world can agree on, it’s that we are all universally attracted to any headline that incorporates a capitalised ‘VAGINA’ like moths to the flame. It’s just basic psychology. Journalists and marketers alike use this to their full advantage. So of course this Daily Mail article instantly caught my attention about an Aussie WAG who simply can’t help but spend $75 a week on designer vagina masks as if it were some sort of addiction. 

Being 2020, I initially thought “designer vagina mask” was a form of P.P.E. and I immediately became flooded with concerned that not only was I not protecting my macaroni in a pot from the dangers of Covid as well as I could be, but I wasn’t even aware of the fashionable opportunities this new problem encompassed. Boy, was I behind the eight ball!

Fortunately, upon reading the article, I learned designer vagina mask refers to a nourishing face mask, like ones you get at Sephora but for your precious punani. A gap in the market, sure.

I’m usually a ‘vagina is a self cleaning oven’ kind of gal but this is too intriguing not to try. If this holds anti ageing properties like normal face masks do, I’m keen on some vaginal Benjamin Buttoning. My vag might need to carry an ID from here on out but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

I purchased a mask online, which was $25, plus another $10 shipping which is not cheap on my office manager budget. But, I hear vaginal rejuvenation surgery can cost up to $10,000, so trying some preventative measures might prove to be cost effective. The mask took ages to arrive, maybe over a week, so if you are in some vaginal nourishing emergency, it would be smart to get express shipping. 

First I thought I should do a proper before and after mental snapshot so I can describe the difference to you. I have a very pretty little ussy indeed – and I’m not being biased – my Hinge date a week ago said it was “top notch”!

I pondered on whether to have an edible before I put the mask on just to add another layer to this but decided against it because it’s a school night. Anyway here we go.

Step one: Wash and dry the vulva area including inner thighs.

Check – I already had a shower this morning.

Step Two: Unfold mask and apply to the vulva. Press slightly with fingertips to firmly secure.

Ok this baby is dripppping inside. As I ripped open the packet, all kinds of moistures were running down my fingers, like when you open a Mi Goreng oil/soy/chilli sachet or a sample of lube you rip out of a dirty magazine. This gif is actual footage of me fishing the mask out of the packet.

Here’s what it looks like upon opening. This is an unboxing, an unboxing of something that is going to enhance my box.

Doesn’t NOT look like my vagina.

However, I ran into a little confusion upon the unfolding. Here is the pic of the unfolded mask:

POV: You have pre vagina mask confusion.

It looks like a hi-rise bikini bottom from the 70s, with a little split on one side for what I assume to be the vagine area. I have no idea why it is shaped like this and the packaging doesn’t offer much in the way of direction. I folded it back up like in the above picture and stuck it between my flaps. I don’t know how to politely say flaps.

Once in it kind of looks like when someone sucks on an orange.

Sorry.

Step 3: Leave in for 15-20 minutes.

I just took down my thoughts during this step, here they are:

Oh, cheese and whiskers!!! I may as well be rubbing ice on my clit! This is cold. Feels like cryotherapy for the vagina, maybe that’s part of how it works.

Not going to lie, it feels good after a while. Especially if you do the Pressing slightly with fingertips to firmly secure, and move around a bit simultaneously.

I was initially thinking this could be something you could pop in, cover with pants and go watch TV for 20 minutes, but unless you want to look like you pissed yourself in front of your roommates, it’s unfortunately just not the case. Would 10/10 recommend staying in your bedroom, even laying down a towel to sit on.

If I didn’t have a WAP five minutes ago, I have one now.

Turns out twenty minutes is a long time when you are sitting with essentially a baby wipe up your vag in front of the mirror. I’m glad I have my phone.

The Big Reveal: The Proof Is In The Pussy

I stared into the depths of my temple intensely, excited to meet my new partner in crime. It’s not glowing. Glistening – maybe. I see the same vagina, no difference, it didn’t even enhance the colour. I guess you can’t improve on perfection. 

The only thing I can say is that my downstairs area is silky smooth to the touch. Undeniably smooth. I put on Santana featuring Rob Thomas right away to celebrate, perhaps it was the highlight of the entire experience.

In conclusion, 20 minutes, $35 dollars and a bit of dignity down the drain.

No wonder this mask is being slammed online.

As I pulled up my Lowes sweatpants, and myself from up the floor with a heavy heart, my roommate asked me, “Did you really expect it to look any different?”. (She’s a realist). I guess I already knew the answer.