This Mother’s Day (which is on Sunday, so you don’t have much more time to buy those potpourri mix and Hoyts Gold Class vouchers), the mums of Melbourne are in for a sweet treat that doesn’t involve BBQ Shapes and a bottle of Baileys.
As you’ve probably heard by now, a Kath & Kim fitness class is coming to town.
Yep, the folk at Alternative Women’s Fitness are putting on a once-off K&K inspired exercise class in Thornbury. You can grab a Hornbag Single Pass for $25 or a Mother-Daughter Combo for $40.
“We’ll work on your abs, your glutes, your dofs and your clacks for one hour of huffy puffy,” reads their website.“Whether you’re wanting to be a hornbag, a great hunk’a’spunk or just want to trim down for your connubials, put down the Dippity Bix, grab your mum (or second-best-friend) and head on down to The CLUBhouse.”
If you reckon you’re ready to make like Kath Day-Knight and do something a little unusual, here are our 7 tips on how to prep your loins for the big day. After all, does it make you a crim to want to look trim?
1. Do FG laps
In the iconic series, the cast spent a fair whack of time at Fountain Gate. Luckily, this is a very real shopping town that exists and will most likely live up to your Kath and Kim-related fantasies. It’s undergone extensive renovations since the show aired, but walking the mall’s hallowed halls will provide just the right amount of Dotti, Witchery and cardio.
2. Do some sausage casing
Kel Graham Knight, a self-proclaimed a purveyor of fine meats, is one gentleman who knows his way around a saussie.
Sausage is the ultimate food to prep and smash before a big workout. Why?
Protein. Fat. Yumminess.
Of course, if you’re looking to increase your upper-body strength before game day, learning how to funnel meats into intestine sacks is a great way to do it. Head down to your local butcher and ask for a go.
3. Visit Patterson Lakes for a stroll
The Day-Knights live in Fountain Lakes which in reality is Patterson Lakes, a man-made canal suburb located 35km south-east of Melbourne’s CBD. The house’s exact location is 4 Lagoon Place, Patterson Lakes, Victoria.
It actually is a ripper place to visit. The suburb’s full of classic 80s ‘Strayan brick houses, scattered between McMansions so big they’ll make your head spin. There’s plenty of parkland, too, so grab your joggers and make the trek.
They also boast a freaking huge Coles which, while entirely irrelevant to this article, I appreciate.
4. Practice your pirouettes on the netball court
Netball is a truly Aussie game, and the one thing on this list that actually might do you some good before Sunday.
The most popular women’s team sport in the country, netball requires agility, problem solving and hand-eye coordination in spades. Most community fitness centres offer mixed team sign ups, so get a little crew together and give it a crack.
5. Walk to the milkbar and get a Yowie
Fucken yeah Yowies are coming back.
If you were born after 1995, you’re a mafuckin twelvie for starters lol, and you probably haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing one of these choccie treats. They’re like the dingo version of a Kinder Surprise. A mythical milk chocolate creature encasing a small plastic toy is what made the Yowie such a hit in middle-class Australia.
While we’re still not sure exactly when they’ll be back on our milkbar shelves, you best get a wriggle on and start walking there now.
6. Power walk with Bae
While it’s unlikely you’ll ever experience a love as deep and sensual as Kath and Kel’s, there’s a lot we can learn from this power couple.
Mostly, that power walking is one of the best exercises you can do. Ever.
7. Dance in your room to Kylie
Time stood still when Kylie Minogue made a cameo as Epponnee Rae on Kath & Kim. She is our nation’s finest national treasure, and there’s no better way to get prepared for Sunday’s Hornbag convention than to lock your door, fire up YouTube and spin right around.
Photo: Kath & Kim.