It’s the first day of 2017; 2016 is officially over.
This time of year is a real funny one.
All of a sudden you start to feel a little nostalgic; melancholy even. You’re forced to take stock of the year that’s just passed. Did you kick some career goals? Did you dodge fuccbois speedier and more skilfully than past years? Are you any closer to owning a dogge?
After weighing up 2016’s highs and lows, you’ve probably gone and gotten yourself some New Years Resolutions.
Sure, they come from a good place, a place of hope and desire to be better; but so often they’re unrealistic and set you up for failure. Only 8% of people who make resolutions keep them.
The health-based resolutions are some of the most popular. “New year, new you!” you caption an Insta of a grainy flat-lay of Asics trainers and a Pressed Juice, knowing full well you’re not a runner and you fucken hate celery-based beverages.
Here are the top five ‘health’ focused resolutions you should skip altogether to make 2017 as enjoyable as possible.
1. THE “I’M QUITTING SUGAR” RESOLUTION
You’ve just come off the back of a dedicated, two-week long Christmas bingefest. Gingerbread houses, almond crescent biscuits, sticky date puds and pavlovas galore have got you feeling like a grimacing saccharine gremlin.
Even though you do love cake, you decide you’re going to quit it entirely. Cold turkey, you are quitting sugar.
While your heart is in the right place, resolving to quit something that brings you joy in life probably won’t work. Some people think sugar is the genuine devil, but if eaten mindfully and in moderation, it won’t kill you.
Instead of making the pledge to stop eating it then relapsing majorly, cut back for a while and see how you feel.
2. THE “I’M JOINING A GYM TO BLAST MY BODY EVERY SINGLE FUCKEN DAY” RESOLUTION
Maybe you don’t go to the gym currently and January 1st is the catalyst you need to get yourself into the shred shed. While any exercise is better than none, there are a few reasons why you should reconsider going gung-ho on that first day of 2017.
1. Almost everyone else has the same idea about starting afresh and pumping iron in the first few weeks of January; this is when gyms make the most money. If you know the gym isn’t actually for you, forgo the funds-draining 12-month contract and find a place that gives you a trial to start out with.2. If you’re going from barely any physical exercise to a full-on, every day routine, you’re setting yourself up for failure. If you can’t see yourself murdering your rig at F45 erryday for the rest of your life, it might be a better idea to commit to something achievable like walking instead of taking the bus.3. January is summer – the optimum time to be outside with mates in the sunshine. Use this to your advantage and work out outside. (Plus, most salespeople at gyms work on commission, and need to make budget every month – so if by the end of Jan you decide you really do want to join a gym, get em right before the start of Feb to nab a deal.)
3. THE “I’M GETTING ORGANISED IN EVERY FACET OF MY LIFE” RESOLUTION
Let’s say you have the organisational skills of a drunk donkey. Your desk looks like a bomb site, your bedroom even worse.
A new year can feel a lot like a clean slate, with new diaries, stationary and the like. It can be the perfect time to decide you’re becoming the anally retentive human being you always wanted to be. You dream of Sunday night meal prep feat. grilled chicken and beans, daily outfits and checklists galore. But if that ain’t you, that ain’t you.
It’s a lot like when you’d start a new workbook at school; on the first few pages, your handwriting is delicious. As the weeks go on, it disintegrates, ending up an illegible mess.
The lesson here is that we will always fall into our old ways. If your resolution for 2017 is to become more organised, take it step by step. Start keeping a diary, clean out one portion of your cupboard at a time; breaking up big tasks into littler ones makes it a lot more manageable and achievable.
4. THE “I’M QUITING DRINKING” RESOLUTION
… But only after you consume copious amounts of both over the Chrissy holidays, of course.
Problem with this one is that you’re probably ready to give the booze a miss once you’re Xmas-partied out, but in a week or so, you’ll forget how dastardly a hangover is and start all over again. It’s like how every Sunday you’ll sincerely tell yourself, “I am never drinking again,” only to do it all over the next Friday night.
If you really do love your weekend booze up, you don’t have to forgo it entirely – just make a conscious effort to cut it back to once every two weeks, or something similarly manageable.
5. THE “I’M QUITTING FUCCBOIS” RESOLUTION
Bahahahaha.
6. THE “I’M WAITING TILL JANUARY 1ST TO DO ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES REACHING MY GOALS” RESOLUTION
This one is the dastardly little brother of the “I’m starting on Monday!” classic.
If there’s a life change you want to make, you should make it right in this very moment. Waiting for a day sometime in the future almost guaranteed that day will never come, and you won’t make that change.
Just do it.
And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t change everything all at once. Happy New Year!
Photo: Bridget Jones’ Diary.
