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Remember when you were young and you just assumed all the grown-ups were wise, sensible and, most of all, telling the truth? Then you grew up and realised that actually, no one has any clue what they’re doing and all those adults were/probably still are just faking it?

Imagine then, being a poor innocent kid and BOOM – huge world disaster. You’re there making the huge mistake of thinking the adults around you know how to save you when you could probably do just as well on your own.

I rounded up some current teachers and forced them to spill their biggest lies so I could prove just how easily kids believe us. Of course, names have been changed so no-one gets fired… although one did show his face. You’ll see.

Enjoy.

My students were talking about getting tattoos, and I told them I wouldn’t recommend getting tattoos and that they all really needed to think things through before committing to something like that.

When they asked me why, I lied and told them that when I was 18, I shaved my head and got a huge tattoo on my scalp (I don’t have any tattoos) and for years, the kids in my class were trying to look at my head to see the tattoo.
– Bob

I have a year 8 class for English. We were watching Fast And The Furious 8 one Friday afternoon and I said ‘I can’t wait to see my brother Dwayne at Christmas’.

One of the students asked who Dwayne was. I said my step-brother on my Mum’s side, I only get to see him every Xmas when we go to LA. After a two minute discussion about how we are distantly related, the kids eventually believed me. This went on for about two weeks until they asked to see a picture…so I sent them one:

EDT note: i. am. dead.

– Jon

I’ve told the kids I’m an Instagram model. They asked me which Instagram was my modelling profile and I told them that it’s under a secret name, but it’s a public account with a collection of my modeling photos – such as me at the beach with a mermaid tail, me in a tree dressed as a monkey, me riding a horse as a cowboy, etc. They’re still searching for this fake Instagram account.
– Penny

We were doing a task in year 6 religion at a Catholic school. It was about Advent and the lead up to Christmas. A student asked me what is Jesus’ last name and I told them it was Christ. First name Jesus, last name Christ. A student came back the next day and said that his mum doesn’t think that’s correct and so I changed my story and said well does Madonna have a last name?
– Judas

I do have a funny story about a boy back in England who was 13. He considered himself a ladies man and we knew he was smoking pot out of school. He had detention with me and was pestering me with questions about taking drugs and whether I had ever tried.

I told him that 1) it wasn’t appropriate to have this sort of discussion and 2) I wasn’t interested in taking drugs particularly as research has shown how detrimental it is to your mind and body. I then made up that I had read an interesting article that proved that smoking pot was linked to erectile dysfunction and said how sometimes we don’t anticipate the consequences of making rash decisions.

He was so shocked and went completely white. Not sure if it stopped him smoking pot but hopefully it made him think more!
– Francesca

This is a story I’ve had going for upwards of ten years. We have a quiet, mild-mannered, very religious science teacher who’s roughly 5 feet tall. I have convinced half the school for the past ten years that he was extremely high in the army and for many years was the head trainer of the SAS.

Kids question him all the time and, even though he denies it, it gives them confirmation bias because I’ve told them he legally can’t talk about being in the army due to how high his security clearance was.

It started as a joke with one class and rolled across the school in a matter of days. I don’t even bring it up, the kids come to me to ask if it’s true. They don’t want to believe it but they are absolutely convinced.
– also Rob

Kids will truly trust anything someone older than them says. Which is more or less what happens to the poor kiddos in Little Monsters.

This new zom-com stars the brill Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave), Australian actor Alexander England (Offspring) and Josh Gad (Frozen). On a school farm excursion, a slacker uncle, the perky teacher he likes and a foul-mouthed children’s entertainer all get stuck looking after a class of kinder kids in a zombie outbreak. I’d watch the hell out of that, and we all can, now it’s straight outta cinemas to rent on Foxtel, Google Play and more. Get excited and check out the trailer below.

Image: Billy Madison