Waluigi is the crown jewel in the Mario franchise – he exudes a very particular type of sexual menace, he has the strongest mustache in the game, and he has frankly been carrying all the other ungrateful characters on his shoulders for decades. The fact that he does not have his own stand-alone game is honestly criminal, and the aim of this WAH-ticle is to correct this.
Mario has been in dozens upon dozens of games over the years, and yeah, he’s technically the headline act, but his ego has run rampant and unchecked for too long, and I’m frankly sick of it. He needs a lesson in humility and he needs to surrender the spotlight to someone truly deserving. My message for Nintendo is fairly simple – give Waluigi his own game, you cowards.
Why does he deserve a game of his own? Let’s consider the facts:
Waluigi has been a loyal part of the team forever
My boy in purple first appeared all the way back in 2000 in Mario Tennis, one of many, many, many spin-off titles in the Mario universe. He was brought into the game to serve as a doubles partner for Wario, who himself is a chaotic and mischievous counterpart for the lead character.
What is Waluigi’s relationship to Wario? When asked if they are brothers, long-time voice actor Charles Martinet said that he did not know for sure, and that as far as he’s aware, they are just “two nice, evil guys who found each other”. Are they friends? Lovers? I dunno, but it’s pure and beautiful and the thought of it brings a tear to my eye.
Since Mario Tennis, Waluigi has appeared in various other spin-off games, including various Mario Golf, Mario Party and Mario Kart games. His meatiest role was as the antagonist in Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix, which appeared on GameCube back in 2005. 2005! That’s way too long ago.
Every other asshole in the Mushroom Kingdom gets to have their own game
Almost every other Mario character of note has had their time to shine, from Luigi to Yoshi to Princess Peach to Wario. Even Mario’s high-strung mushroom pal Toad got to scream his way through his own solo game. I’m not trying to throw any of these guys under the bus – especially not Wario, whose games are unquestionable works of art – but if all of them can headline their own titles, why not my boy?
Waluigi is versatile, and who doesn’t love a vers king? He can do anything Nintendo throws at him, so why not really let him shine? Why not make him the protagonist of his own enormous, hundred-hour Witcher3-style RPG? Why not give us some Resident Evil–esque survival horror in Waluigi’s Mansion? Why not have a dating sim where the aim is to fuck Waluigi at the end? I’d happily pay money for all of these.
Waluigi is the anti-hero we need in these troubled times
When asked about the potential for a stand-alone game, Charles Martinet said he’d “love to see a Waluigi game where you have to cheat to win, ya know. That would be funny –“Waaa! Everybody’s cheating but me!”” I would also love to see that! Waluigi is a delightful agent of chaos, and a game where you cheat to win and use underhanded tactics to get ahead would really hold a mirror up to the late-stage capitalist hellscape we’re living in.
Waluigi is very sexual
I’ve already made this weird so I’ll just say that Waluigi is very sexual and I want to have sex with him. His curly mustache really makes my toes curl. Exhibit A:
Funfetti Fact of the Day: I am the artist responsible for introducing these two images into the world.
— Genel Jumalon | ???? BLM ???? (@GenelJumalon) December 9, 2019
this is the content I crave pic.twitter.com/fBQcnOHF5H
— Patricia Hernandez (@xpatriciah) August 27, 2020
I really could go on but you get the point.
Waluigi has the best catch phrase
Wah. Enough said.
These are just some of the reasons why Waluigi needs his own game. He is more than just a “bad Luigi”, as his portmanteau name suggests. He is a beautiful, special boy and I love him and I want to be him but also I want to be with him. The ball’s in your court now, Nintendo, so please get to it. You know it’s the right thing to do.