Ok let’s get one thing out of the way here: is it legal to get people this drunk and then show them on television? Because it feels like it should be illegal.
Yep, in case you missed it, tonight was the first of this season’s notorious Married At First Sight dinner parties. For the uninitiated, the dinner parties are disastrous occasions that reportedly last for six hours at a time, during which all the bewildered normies recruited for this pseudo-psychological televised debacle are plied with the liquor of their choice and encouraged to hash out whatever invented conflict they’re currently spending the bulk of their time marinating in.
Tonight, the drama du jour was Lizzie‘s runaway groom, Sam, who apparently missed their “honeymoon” because of a “convenient” “funeral” at which he “couldn’t be contacted for several days”. Actually that last bit doesn’t need scare quotes, that’s exactly what happened – the bloke nicked off to his ex-girlfriend’s mum’s funeral and somehow forgot how to operate a phone while he was there.
Lizzie was unsurprisingly fairly unimpressed by this development, particularly as Sam chose (“chose” – we see you, producers, rubbing unrefined dollars on your gums behind the parlour palms) the dinner party as the perfect occasion to return from his jaunt. Was he shocked that Lizzie was angry at his total lack of contact? Have a wild guess.
“Hear me out…” #MAFS pic.twitter.com/4k2xbGIxPa
— Married At First Sight (@MarriedAU) February 6, 2019
Just as they do every season, the noble viewers of this slo-mo train wreck are already baying for blood. Sam’s blood.
That expression when Liz plays the voicemail…… muhahahahhaha #MAFS pic.twitter.com/1iK9vEELeJ
— Keep it on the DL (@wang_BANG88) February 6, 2019
So he checked his phone after the wedding, but couldn’t check his phone after the funeral? And now he’s gaslighting her? Fuckwit. #MAFS #MAFSAU
— Andy (@Skualg) February 6, 2019
Me when I watch any kind of gaslighting play out on TV #MAFS pic.twitter.com/AWH4LG6vC1
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) February 6, 2019
https://twitter.com/Sonzerely_Yours/status/1093080010817122304
https://twitter.com/beckaio_/status/1093067542568955905
Wow. Sam is one massive gaslighting red flag. #MAFS
— Isobel Ardent (@isobelardent) February 6, 2019
Liz: “I left a voicemail”
Sam: “On what?”
On bloody carrier pigeon, what else would she leave a voicemail on ffs!#mafs pic.twitter.com/aImOf5SrDg
— Ashleigh Taylor (@ashy_taylor) February 6, 2019
“You should relax, just breath.” #MAFS pic.twitter.com/vo6QTOM94g
— news.com.au (@newscomauHQ) February 6, 2019
Spare a thought for the other hapless couples, at least some of whom seem to be genuinely enjoying each other’s company, but most of whom are imploding in the helpless way any otherwise normal people would when confronted with barrels of wine, intense pressure to perform romance and the distant carrot of a large cash prize.
Speechless. #MAFS pic.twitter.com/89whPIBuYX
— Married At First Sight (@MarriedAU) February 6, 2019
What on earth.
The more I read the good people of Twitter‘s reactions to this show, though, the more I come to believe that the true purpose of this “experiment” is not to bring these couples together into blessed romantic union – it’s to unite the desolate peoples of the internet under one common banner: hating everyone on TV.
If you reshuffle the letters of Ines you get Enis which is the French term for anus and Spanish term for cunt #MAFS
— Dale (@dale_1989) February 4, 2019
Ines feeding off all this drama like: #MAFS pic.twitter.com/sUZdJuAQZe
— Binns (@binns2759) February 6, 2019
https://twitter.com/AdelaideCuneo/status/1093089532419858432
These two stoopid idiots #MAFS pic.twitter.com/8fuAN7cKpJ
— KSmith (@Ksmith153) February 6, 2019
2 alpha males meet in their “dinner party cave” and decide, “This women is emotional!” #mafs #mafsau pic.twitter.com/PCjSYaaGCu
— Hero (@hierohero1) February 6, 2019
Literally me throughout the entire episode #MAFS pic.twitter.com/23Tm0Uw447
— Despicable Bree (@breelivetweet) February 6, 2019
It’s a perfect match.
