On tonight’s episode of The Bachelor: a whole lotta nothin’, to be perfectly honest with you. Where was the drama, the pizzazz, the WALKOUT we were promised?!

At least we’ll always have the one thing we’ve come to rely on from this particular branch of the sickly, self-loathing reality TV tree: contestants’ truly insane and inexcusable behaviour.

Tonight’s spokesmodel for the batshit among us: Nichole!

The blonde sports enthusiast has already rankled our resident Bachie commentators, Josie and Mel, for being a little overenthusiastic about the whole “sports” thing – like, to the point where it’s getting both one-note and tedious. We get it! You like sports!

Apparently, though, it is not enough to merely be a girl who likes sports. Nichole must be the ONLY girl who likes sports.

So unsurprisingly the appearance of (checks notes) Monique – there are too many women on this show I swear to god, I can barely remember my own family’s names – didn’t go down too well! Another girl? Who like sport??? NO!!!!!!!!

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The stalwart viewers of Australia did not let this one slide. Only-girl-ism: it’s not a good look, even on a TV show specifically designed to pit women against each other. This cattiness will not stand!

And then there’s all the other, regular, run-of-the-mill batshit stuff that happened, like a contestant exhorting Matt to find things… in her bush… and uh, some other shit too I guess.

And yeah, what the hell happened to that walkout? I want to see an astrophysicist scold a gaggle of grown women like they’re naughty Year 9s who’ve acted up one too many times this term! If this doesn’t happen next ep I swear to god I shall SCREAM (and continue watching. Lol there’s no escaping this shit now).