Today, The Masked Singer Australia released all the promo images of its 12 disguised contestants and, naturally, my single-ass had to rank the costumes in terms of their sex appeal… and how likely I’d wanna smash. The following ranking is a roller-coaster ride filled with wannabe-softbois, underwhelming performances and, ultimately, a happy ending. Grab a snack, strap yourself in and have a cool face-washer at the ready – it’s about to get hot ‘n’ steamy.

12. THE MONSTER

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

A warm and fuzzy feeling? Sure. A potential best friend? Absolutely. Horny, I am not.

11. THE UNICORN

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

Unicorn reminds me of that one person at a house party that you always get caught in an intense one-on-one conversation with, before lying about having to take a shit in order to bail. Such a drainer. Thank u, next.

10. THE PRAWN

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

Wannabe-softboi. Smells a bit fishy. Wishes he could handle this jelly. 3/10. Would not bang.

9. THE PARROT

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

Parrot would just talk my ear off instead of getting down to the nitty-gritty. What a boner-killer.

8. THE OCTOPUS

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

A bit of slimy character, yes, but I do have some slight intrigue regarding the tentacles. That webbed-shaka gets brownie points.

7.  THE SPIDER

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

Spider looks like they could whip up a fabulous Cabaret rendition. They also look like they’ve seen some shit. Do I have respect for Spider? Yes. Do I lust after them? Not really. We’d probably go out on like 2 dates, have great banter, realise there isn’t a sexual spark and call it a day. I also can’t see the fangs, and that’s mildly concerning.

6. THE DRAGON

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Dragon’s imposing presence is starting to make my horny scale twitch. Lost points for those arms extending towards the camera – you have to play a bit more hard to get if you want my attention, Dragon.

5. THE ROBOT

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

It’s like Robot’s trying to be part of the hot squad, but just isn’t coming through with the goods. Robot would slide into your DMs late-night but then avoid you all night at a house-party. All bark, no bite. B+ for effort.

4. THE WOLF

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

Wolf’s just so bloody mysterious. It really gets my quite hot under the collar. Wolf reminds of that one person we all know who just radiates an enigmatic, slightly-dangerous charm. If Wolf popped up on Grindr with a 4AM “you up?”, I wouldn’t say no.

3. THE LION

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

Ever beautiful and majestic, Lion would be an incredible partner – wise and noble on the streets, ravenous in the sheets. I would also hang around purely to get tips on hair maintenance – I mean, have you seen this glorious mane?

2. THE RHINO

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

You KNOW Rhino hasn’t been skipping any F45 classes. Rhino radiates fuccboi-ness from head to toe, and I’m down. Rhino could smash my face in and I’d still say thank you.

1. THE ALIEN

Image: Facebook / The Masked Singer Australia

And just like that, my floodgates opened. THIS is what I’ve been waiting for – Alien, the king of flexibility and a symbol for big dick energy, subsequently holds the key to my sexual reawakening. I mean, they’re literally oozing intergalactic-cyber-hunk realness. I could imagine bumping into them on a Saturday night at a rollerblading rink in Pluto and falling head over heels.

With that leg raised in the air like it’s nobody’s business, Alien is already doing half of the Lord’s work. Homeboy would be, like, getting it at Area 51… or in any other area for that matter.

Stay tuned to see if the unveiled singers give me corresponding levels of fanny flutters. I doubt it – the horniness lies in the fantasy rather than the reality, after all – but hey, it’s important to remain optimistic.

No sexy animals were harmed in the making of this list.