Friends. Sweet friends. Do you want to hear something exceptionally pathetic and downright unhinged? I am on 3 months holiday from my delightful workplace, Pedestrian.TV. That means me no writey for 3 months, because I’m frankly not being paid for it.

And yet, here I am. Why, you may ask? Well you probably aren’t asking because you worked it out by the headline – I have a TAKE, you guys. A HOT TAKE. A spicy enchilada take that I must project to the world in the most self-absorbed way. Honestly, I’m well aware the fact I logged on to write a bunch of blathery nonsense about a film I just saw, even though NO ONE, literally NO ONE is asking me to do so, is entirely me being up my own asshole.

But here we are, ok?

So I saw A Star Is Born. Literal minutes ago. In Mount Isa, at the cinema. Because I am in Mount Isa (but once you read this, I will no longer be in Mount Isa, if you were planning on coming for me with, say, an axe because you are the biggest and most dedicated A Star Is Born fan or whatever. Not here!).

I fucking hated it. HATE. ED. IT. Now you may think I am saying this because I went in wanting to hate it. Not the case. Everyone I love and value around me, EVERYONE, told me it was a fucking brilliant film. Throw the damn awards at this baby, that’s what they all said. If anything I had high hopes. I was ready to snot-cry and download the Spotify album and then put earphones in, and mime along into the mirror bc then I have Lady Gaga‘s voice and not my own shitty one. That’s where I was at mentally. Instead, I was rudely let down.

About 1/4 way through I thought – you know what would be better than watching this pile of flaming garbage? WATCHING BURLESQUE AGAIN. Burlesque is the greatest musical about some nobody who becomes a somebody based on a series of ridiculously lucky events that would never happen to a real person, in existence. And yes there are actually quite a few of those movies. Glitter. Which is also brilliant. Rock Of Ages. Some other shit ones, probably. In a way, Sound Of Music. IN A WAY, OKAY.

Anyway, the whole film I just thought, this wouldn’t happen if this was Burlesque because Burlesque is a feat of mastery film-wise, and they’d never let shit songs through or dumb boring interludes of father/daughter time that no one cares about, or the amount of fucking MINCING AROUND BEING ANNOYINGLY THANKFUL that Ally fucking does the entire movie.

Don’t believe me? Look at this scientifically-led analysis.

POWERHOUSE PERFORMANCES

Okay, I’ll give A Star Is Born this. Bradley Cooper? Just throw all the awards at him. Drown him in awards. Best Voice Actor In A Cartoon? Somehow, Bradley gets it. He absolutely cleans the fucking floor as the sexy rock star with a pile of demons. Also, he’s hot and I want to lick his face. But in all seriousness, he destroys that role and he deserves accolades for it.

You know who else destroys their role? In Burlesque? MOTHERFUCKING CHER, BINCHES. Honestly, if Cher did her entire performance in Burlesque as the mother of all performers, Tess, in a BIN, like literally just her with her head poking out of one of those rolling green bins, she’d still shit on Bradley Cooper. And definitely, most definitely, on Lady Gaga, who may have the pipes of an angel and the performance presence of, well, not Jesus… maybe a top tier disciple… but has the acting chops of a damp piece of cardboard.

CHOONS

Half the appeal of a musical is the fucking music, right? Well I’m sorry but did anyone actually think “Shallow” was actually a good song? A pinnacle of songwriting beauty? If so, please remove yourself from my presence. I may smack you. It was THE WORST. And they played it in parts about 500 fucking times through that movie, like they were begging you to enjoy it. “Maybe this time? No? You like the chorus bit or the bridge? PLEASE LOVE ME”.

Anyway, there’s other songs in A Star Is Born that also suck, I didn’t mind the rock shit from the beginning but then I thought of the tunes in Almost Famous, not the real songs, the fake ones for Stillwater, and realised that actually, no, even those rock songs were like warm stagnant puddles.

Burlesque? I don’t even need to say anymore besides WAGON. WHEEL. WATUSI.

Yeah it has no words. Irrelevant. But you want songs? With words? Oh baby.

SHUT IT DOWN CHRISTINA. SHUT IT DOWN.

ROMANCE, BABY

Am I like the only person in existence who felt like the chemistry between Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga was, at best, as warm as the time I put wax on my fingertip to make a mould and it burnt me slightly, but not enough to actually cause damage? Because fuck, man. Those two – zero feels. It was like watching two people in a very, very bad porn clip before the fucking starts.

Given the entire film hinges on a) Ally’s rise to fame and b) her complex relationship with Jackson, it kiiiiinda needs the chemistry to be there, you know? Yawnsville, I didn’t even care when they got a fucking DOG. AND ALL I CARE ABOUT IS DOGS AND COUPLES WHO GET DOGS AS PRE-BABIES.

Over in Burlesque-land, may I introduce you to the platonic and yet aeons more chemistry-laden relationship between Tess and Sean, played by the ever-perfect Stanley Tucci?

Just… someone make an entirely new movie and call it ‘Tess And Sean’s Adventures In Platonic Adoration’, I’ll pay you a lot of money.

Romance-wise, I’m sorry – you DON’T want to see the hot guy from Twilight who isn’t Robert Pattinson get it on with Christina Aguilera while wearing a literal mountain of black eyeliner, until his fiancee shows up while CHRISTINA IS IN HIS BED and Xtina is like “fkn meeeeeeeeen!” and then he’s like “no baby we are over you are my true love” and then after a short period they fall in love for real? You don’t want that? Honestly?

IRRITATING APPRECIATION FOR SUCCESS

This is something you DON’T want in your movie, but A Star Is Born has it in spades. Honestly for 90% of that film I was like ughhhhhhhh can Ally fucking shut up with the “ooooh eeeeee I’m soooo grateful omgggggg howwwww like whaaaat how did I geeeet here”. Just own your goddamn amazing pipes and stage presence and get over it, mate. You’re Taylor Swifting so hard right now and I cannot deal with it.

To be fair Christina (FYI her character is also called Allie so I thought for less confusion she can be Christina) does a relatively large amount of this mincing around being grateful in Burlesque but like, NOT AS BADLY and once she “makes it” she’s just like “yeah bitch I’m fucking amazing bow down”.

Anyway. Rant over, I’m going for a swim. By all means, come for me in the comments – I have a feeling at least a few of you will disagree.

Image: A Star Is Born / Burlesque