The first trailer for the upcoming Sonic The Hedgehog movie has been unleashed on the world, marking an ominous portent of things to come.
[jwplayer oTLxnTkI]
We could describe it to you in plain English. Unfortunately, the footage, which stars James Marsden, Jim Carrey, and Ben Schwartz as Sonic, has a deep and occult energy.
As such, here are some thoughts we wrenched from mind-hell to help you understand the Eldritch horrors which await. What you do after that is your own prerogative:
- Sonic running at 760mp/h past a patrol car would definitely blow its doors clean off
- This trailer does to Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise what Marge Simpson did to that pink Chanel suit
- Sonic has human teeth and a fully developed soy face
- The powers that be reshaped his calves after everyone expressed their horror at an early poster
- The trailer spoils Sonic’s big bullet time moment
- Sonic is stark naked at all times
- Sonic nearly copped a tranquilizer dart to the balls
- You are now picturing Sonic’s balls
- I would probably let James Marsden trap me in a gym bag and transport me across state lines.
Bon appetit, you goddamn animals:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvvZaBf9QQI
Sonic The Hedgehog is slated to hit screens from November this year.
