We are living in truly wonderful times. One of the most critically lauded films of 2017 – and one of the most Academy Award-nominated movies ever – was a movie about a horny fishdude with a prehensile donger and a thicc ass who escapes a laboratory in order to have hot fishdude sex with his new girlfriend forever and ever.
Okay, I’m absolutely underselling The Shape of Water, which was by almost any metric a very beautiful movie and a transcendent romance put together with the kind of care and elaborate production vision only Guillermo del Toro is capable of. That said, I was not lying about the fishman’s wang, which is – spoiler alert! – actually vaguely described in one scene, even if it is never seen onscreen. Tragically, I might add.
Anyway, if you’ve spent your time since seeing The Shape of Water burning with lustful curiosity about what the merman’s schlong might look like, then we absolutely have something to whet your whistle. A sex toy maker and enthusiast on Tumblr named XenoCatArtifacts has skirted the edges of intellectual property and common decency violations to bring us the dick. The dick has been brought to us, in all its resplendent glory. Behold!
(Warning: there is an intricately constructed fishman penis below the fold here, in case you’re browsing this article on a 30-inch monitor with your mum standing directly behind you.)
Oh. Hell. Yes. It’s called Jewel of the Amazon – a reference to the fact the monster in Shape of Water was reportedly foun in a river in the Amazon somewhere – and yes: it glows in the dark. It’s available on Etsy, though it has indeed sold out. Which is either a wonderful reflection on humanity, or an indication that we, like Icarus, have flown too close to the sun and will soon plunge into the oceans below.
The reviews, seemingly from people who actually bought it with the intention of sticking it into one or more of their orifices, are positive! So if you’re in the mood, maybe you should wait for another run.
A “free little tiny model dick thrown in as well”? Now that’s customer service!
