A great injustice has happened tonight – Josie and Mel are unavailable for tonight’s recap so you’re stuck with me and this mini one – SORRRRRYYYYY. But with that out of the way, Vanessa Sunshine did not receive a rose tonight and I am DEVASTATED.
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Anyway, here we go:
A Date In An Arsey Looking Hot Air Balloon
Nick takes Rhiannon on a cutesy date. Do any of us know who Rhiannon is? Nope, me neither but today we learn she’s murdered like 10 budgies and has a dog.
To learn even more about each other, Nick has the production team write down questions, roll them up, and shove them into this hay bale couch thing for the two to then pull out at random. Rhiannon doesn’t give a shit about this, she just really wants a kiss on the lips. So, when Nick ceremoniously presents her with a rose – she goes in for it only to nip at his chin.
And then:
“I mean, I’d love to give you a little kiss but I don’t know if its like… awkward or not,” she says.
“Do you want to do it, do you want to kiss?” she continues over and over and over again until I’m yodelling at my telly screen.
Nick is laughing but you can tell he’s thinking “haHAha pls no”.
But look, you gotta give it to her ‘cos unlike Romy and Cat, Rhiannon didn’t go straight for the jugular – she actually asked.
Despite my yodelling, Rhiannon is still asking for a kiss from unkeen Nick who seriously rejects it with the bullshit excuse of “I hope to see this grow further” or something like that, I was too busy crying when RHIANNON SAYS “YEP” TURNS AROUND, WAVES HER ROSE AT THE CAMERA, AND SAYS “ARE WE DONE?”
Why aren’t we rolling to commercial break? Why is Rhiannon playing with grapes? Why are we seeing BTS footage of Rhiannon bitching to the production guy? Why is Nick just sitting on the couch? WHY IS THIS STILL ROLLING, FUCKING STOP IT, I JUST WANT VANESSA SUNSHINE. She’s crying now, guys, why am I still typing, make it stop – STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP.
Year Nine Camp With That Hot PE Teacher Everyone Loves
Did you know The Bachelor is sponsored by Hyundai?
Anyway, the women rock up in the bush (local park) where Osher and Nick inform the gals they’re sleeping under the stars for a coupla nights PLUS A SECRET ROSE CEREMONY IN THE BUSH.
Vanessa Sunshine, in her blessed heels, kicks her swag around like ‘Why isn’t it building itself’ and I froth her for it. Then she drops a bombshell – she grew up in the country, she had a pet donkey and everything. This woman has layers. She’s giving us Survivor, she’s giving us Wonder Woman, she’s giving us ‘Fuck you Romy’ as she puts her swag together first.
Romy bitches about Vanessa, what’s new? Certainly not a producer stitch-up because now Nick, Romy, Vanessa, and Alisha are going on a group date together to ride quad bikes to the death.
Romy can’t stop degrading Vanessa and somewhere back at the mansion, her ‘Future is Female’ shirt is just beaming with pride.
ANYWAY, Nick’s having a grand ol’ time on the quad bike – such a time that he accidentally flicks a shit ton of dirt into Romy’s mouth. Meanwhile, Vanessa’s absolutely gunning it on the bike and Nick’s shooketh – like who is this new woman? She’s smiling and laughing, the sunshine is blinding his eyes and there in the shadows is a livid Romy, choking on dirt.
Cue the one-on-one time.
Romy doesn’t want to waste her precious time with the Badger so naturally, she spends it bitching about Vanessa. Again, what’s new? Well, I’ll tell ya. It’s Vanessa and Nick laughing about him not being your typical Matty J gorgeous rooster. POOR LAD. But as Vanessa says, physical attraction builds for her – she’s more into the personality and all that… sureeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Anyway, their one-on-one time concludes with Vanessa saying:“I think you’re smart and educated enough to make your own decision about me, hopefully not based on the opinions of others.”
The Badger is befuddled, and in a classic mating ritual captured later in his interview yells “HELP, SOMEONE HELP,” into the wilderness.
Romy Invades The Badger Hole Triggering Cass
All they did was ‘snuggle’ for about 10 mins but Cass is devo.
BUT, this is forgotten when Nick takes her away for some one-on-one time with horseys and a DIY swing.
They talk, touch each other’s hands and that’s it. What a lowkey ep for Cass.
The Bush Doof Rose Ceremony
Cassie gets the first rose.
Brittany, the second.
Alisha, the third.
Shannon, the fourth.
It comes down to Vanessa Sunshine and Romy.
AND NICK SENDS VANESSA SUNSHINE HOME.
I get it, but bloody hell. Can Romy just leave already?
To make matters worse, when Osher rocks up for the whole “goodbye” thing, no one even makes a move to say “BYE VANESSA SUNSHINE,” so she just fucks off and that’s it.
That is the goodbye we get for Vanessa Sunshine – the woman who just likes a Melbourne brunch and loves proving lizard people wrong.
I’m in MOURNING.
