If you’re up to date with Game of Thrones – which I’m sure you are if you’re reading this – you’ll know that quite a lot of shit went down in last night’s huge episode, but there was one part in particular that made me actually laugh. Yes, I’m referring to old mate Qyburn eating untold amounts of shit.
While not a particularly huge character, Qyburn ended up becoming Cersei‘s Hand, as well as dealing in some creepy-ass dark arts nonsense on the side. His crowning achievement was keeping that enormous motherfucker, Gregor Clegane – or The Mountain – alive when he should really be one dead bitch. They don’t tell you exactly how Qyburn managed to finesse such a beastly bodyguard out of a very tall, dead asshole, but I reckon we can safely assume that it has something to do with the Westeros version of Satanic magic.
Anyway, things got pretty grim for Cersei last night, and as she watched Dany and her dragon burn everything and everyone into ash, Qyburn was quietly in the background like “oi, we should probably make tracks, aye”. Eventually, she agrees and they scuttle off with The Mountain in tow for protection.
So the building is crumbling around them and as The Mountain uses his dead-ass body to shield Qyburn and Cersei from death on a set of stairs, wouldn’t ya bloody know it, Sandor Clegane appears right there at the bottom. Cleganebowl: IT IS ON LIKE MEDIEVAL DONKEY KONG.
Now, here’s where shit gets really good. Sandor’s standing there all like, “oi, let’s have a fight” and Cersei is like “oi nah, you gotta protect me,” and The Mountain – ha! – he simply isn’t having any of it, he’s up for the fight! He’s absolutely stinging for a fight. As he steps forward to throw down with his bro, Qyburn – the fucking dolt – steps in and says “obey your queen,” sending The Mountain into a fucking spin. In record time, the mountainous man grabs Qyburn by the throat and slams his noggin into a wall, straight-up blasting his skull apart before yeeting his corpse down the stairs. Unreal.
It happened so fast and was so violently brutal that it just became so incredibly funny, to me. I mean, I couldn’t give two horrible shits about Qyburn, so it’s not like the death was shocking, it was just so insanely full-on. Fuck, he wasn’t even a threat, The Mountain could have just ignored his weasely ass and that would be that.
Watching it elicits the same feeling you get when John Wick pulls off a perfectly choreographed knife throw and your only instinct is to say “HAHA FARK”. Watch it again below, it kicks ass.
Fuck YES. Qyburn in Hell you dumb prick. Cersei doesn’t even give a rat’s ass, either, she just tiptoes around his body and runs the heck outta there while potent FIGHT ENERGY builds upon the staircase between the Cleganes.
There are so many good memes of the moment going around and some of the best ones are below for your perusal.
Qyburn: I-— ARYA STARK (@yxsnh) May 13, 2019
The mountain: pic.twitter.com/6bSyyHf2ZJ
cersei casually walking past gregor, sandor, and qyburn’s corpse: pic.twitter.com/fpaJaN2LF2— where’s edmure? (SPOILERS) (@maybeimtheone) May 13, 2019
Qyburn: “Obey your queen, Sir Clegane!”— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) May 13, 2019
Zombie Mountain: pic.twitter.com/efWiMWYilP
I gotta say, Qyburn’s demise is probably my favourite death of the entire series. I doubt the final episode will top it, but hey, I’m willing to be surprised.