PREVIOUSLY ON MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA: We did some things! We cooked some stuff! The good show’s back and it’s gonna get rough! It may be episode two and my brain may already be broken clean in half. This bodes well for a ridiculously long season.
Also we handed out 18 aprons and treaded a bit of water and etc. Really standard first-episode gear all around. Snore.
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AND NOW, LAST NIGHT.
My god we have NO TIME today. Premiering a MasterChef season in the middle of a Federal Election campaign is some rude-ass bullshit, I tell you what.
Rather than picking apart the whole episode bit-by-bit – second-chance goons, six aprons, you know the drill – let’s instead focus on the one good thing and three utterly ridiculous things that happened.
THE GOOD THING!
Hey kids, look! Instead of Shannon Bennett‘s wage-thieving back-knot trudging around the kitchen, we’ve got three actual good people to fill the role of mentor this year! Former contestants to boot!
Look look! It’s POH!
It’s BILLIE!!!
It’s MATT!!!!!! MATT’S BACK!!!!!
God bless Matt Sinclair and his magnificent elastic face. Three years without him as a regular TV presence is entirely too long. What the hell has every network been doing sleeping on this guy?
Yeah we don’t know either.
THE FIRST RIDICULOUS THING!
In episode one, we got to meet a guy by the name of Matt, who served up a Eucalyptus ice cream that was apparently utterly devoid of flavour which, as he continues to chant ad fucken nauseam, is the one thing the judges want to see.
In episode two, Matt gets a talking head, and if you’d just put his face on screen without the super I would’ve been able to immediately tell you what he does for work, because this
sounds
about
bloody right.
What were you doing before having a crack at this, mate? Playing guitar in INXS?
Because he looks a bit like Kirk Pengilly.
Who played guitar in INXS.
That’s the joke I’m trying to… look, I haven’t done this in 8 months or so, ok? I’m rusty! Rusty!
Matt’s response to last night’s criticism of “where’s the flavour” is to grip his balls and proclaim “I got yer flavour right here!” before launching into an ice cream that has *EVERY* flavour in it. He even rattles them all off: orange, pomegranate, ginger, lime, pepper, thyme, pumpkin, chewing gum, anxiety, asshole, gravel, that weird ointmenty smell that hangs around in footy change rooms.
All you need to know about how well that went is Matt and Poh’s reaction to it.
A shocker: He did not get an apron.
THE SECOND RIDICULOUS THING!
One second-chance hopeful’s dreams of scoring a last-ditch apron in the competition were utterly scuttled by the fact that he has a life-consuming, debilitating condition known as “VERY IN LOVE WITH BILLIE.”
Her mere presence causes all his faculties to shut down on the spot, and it gets so much worse when she approaches his bench.
It’s like pushing the button on one of those wooden desk figurines and watching it collapse like an idiot.
Bless him, he tries to keep it together somewhat, then Billie speaks to him, which results in some of the most god-awful attempts at flirting ever committed to Australian TV screens.
Imagine being irreversibly attracted to someone, trying to talk to them, and having them give you a middle-distance “ah yeah” in response on *NATIONAL TV*. You absolutely hate to see it.
Another shocker: He did not get an apron either.
THE THIRD RIDICULOUS THING!
The three disgusting judges going at a plate of curry crab like pigs in a trough.
You people are fucking animals. George especially. Good god, man.
But with the dust settled, we now have our MasterChef class of 2019. Who’s in there? Let’s go on a little journey as I give a puddle-deep, probably deeply unfair reading of the lot of ’em! Which includes no Tasmanians this year!! Which has not gone unnoticed, Channel Ten!!!
THE 2019 MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA TOP 24
ABBEY ROSE 28, Kitchen & Homewares Buyer (NSW)
I have watched both episodes of this fucked show back to front and I do not remember seeing her at all. So this is off to a hot start.
ANUSHKA ZARGARYAN 49, Optical Dispenser (VIC)
A sweet angel who has done no wrong to anyone in her life. Do not hurt her, MasterChef. I swear to god, you do not hurt her one bit.
BEN TROBBIANI 24, Pharmacist (SA)
That they found someone named “Trobbiani” to be on this show about food feels like the producers spent the entire off-season watching Friends.
BLAKE WERNER 23, Bar Manager (VIC)
Because we eventually had to do something with all those Bachelorette hopefuls that were clogging up the Channel Ten foyer.
CHRISTINA LAKER 29, Naturopathy Student (QLD)
Doing Naturopathy in Queensland means understanding there is great nutritional value in drinking fifteen XXXX Gold’s and punching the TV during State of Origin. Queenslander! Queenslander!
DEE WILLIAMS 37, Office Manager (VIC)
If you’re gonna serve up a crab curry like that on day two you’re gonna go very, very far in this game. Also, name is two-thirds of the way to Billy Dee Williams and, like… hell yeah Lando Calrissian.
DEREK LAU 26, Financial Analyst (WA)
Because we eventually had to do something with all those Biggest Loser trainer hopefuls clogging up the Channel Ten foyer. A huge jacked man.
HUDA AL SULTAN 34, Dietician (SA)
During episode one Gary joked that “we’re only allowed to cast Middle-Eastern women named Huda” and I just… I’m not touching that one with a fifty-foot barge pole. That’s a… that’s a whole can of worms, right there.
JESS HALL 28, Travel Agent (NSW)
If the producers don’t take advantage of the fact she’s a travel agent and make her say her dish will take the judges on a little journey, then what are we even doing here?
JOE AHERN 22, Digital Production Assistant (WA)
Has prior screen credits that include the role of “Zombie” in a John Butler Trio film clip, so by extension I assume his cooking style is a rambling tangential mess that manages to arrive at some sort of point 15 minutes later.
KYLE LYONS 29, Brewery Sales Manager (WA)
Coheed & Cambria tattoo guy AKA Panic! At The Crisco AKA Gerard Curds & Whey AKA Taking Back Sundae AKA Cheeseboard Confessional AKA Death Crab For Cutie AKA Rites Of Spring Onion Pancake. It’s a long season, and I’ve got a million of these.
LARISSA TAKCHI 22, Restaurant Manager (NSW)
From a standard Lebanese family, so if she makes it to the finals they’re gonna have to shift it to Rod Laver Arena just to fit everyone in.
LEAH MILBURN-CLARK 22, Theatre Manager (VIC)
That she’s a theatre manager explains a lot about her performances from the past two nights and the odds are currently 2:1 of her breaking out into a showtune mid-cook at some point.
MANDY HALL 51, Stay-At-Home Mum (SA)
Another one I just… do not recall… seeing… at any time. Her bio states she did a residency with “fermentation expert” Sandor Katz last year, so I’m taking this mildly tangential opportunity to include a Propagandhi song in an article about MasterChef.
You’re riffin’.
MONICA MIGNONE 27, Primary School Teacher (VIC)
That’s… a really nice shirt. I completely forgot how hard writing these things can be.
NICOLE SCOTT 24, HR Associate (QLD)
Took sharp knives and did her best Robbie Williams Rock DJ filmclip impression on her own hands, and if she keeps the slicing up at that rate by about episode 20 she’ll be able to shove what’s left of her arm into a KitchenAid and use the rest of her body as a dough hook.
SANDEEP PANDIT 37, IT Project Manager (VIC)
Has had such a rough and challenging upbringing that even I, an awful stinky post goblin, am finding it hard to say anything even resembling mean about him. You’re alright, mate.
SIMON TOOHEY 32, Cocktail Barman (VIC)
I’m not saying he’s definitely going bald but that haircut is the hatched Pokémon that eventually ends up being a full-on Trump Dome.
STEPH DE SOUSA 45, HR Specialist (NSW)
I take back everything I said about there being no Tasmanians this year. Turns out Steph’s from Tasmania! The North-West Coast! WYNYARD! Huge shout out to the Cats and the Bottom Pub.
TATI CARLIN 49, Receptionist (VIC)
Another absolute bloody angel. Do not hurt her, MasterChef! No hurt please! No hurt!
TESSA BOERSMA 27, Criminal Statistician (QLD)
Just to repeat, she’s a CRIMINAL STATISTICIAN, a job which sounds far too kick-ass to ever want to leave it for this absurd life-shortening stress pit. What are you doing, mate?
TIM BONE 33, Cooking & Garden Educator (VIC)
I know it’s absolutely wrong to speculate about such things but if kids at school didn’t call him “Trom” I’ll eat my dang hat. Christ, is that boomer humour? Am I my own Dad now? Jesus wept.
WALLEED RASHEED 38, Marketing Analyst (VIC)
Turns out he had a mildly successful basketball career after being inspired to pick the game up through watching TEEN WOLF and I’ve never wanted someone to win and achieve all their dreams more.
YOSSRA ABOUELFADL 36, Pharmacist (NSW)
That makes two HR reps, two school teachers, and two pharmacists in this year’s class. What is this, MasterChef or bloody Noah’s Ark?
Yes, that’s the gag I’m closing this article out on.
NEXT TIME: We finally get to the fireworks factory and begin mercilessly crushing food dreams one by one!
