The Oscars may have taken all the attention today but that just changed ‘cos tonight on Married At First Sight, very strange things happened. One of our experts, Trisha gave a legitimate counselling session to Justin and Carly on how to stimulate affection and probs sex and it was probably the most awkward couple of minutes of my life. Also Troy was being strange again and Telv and Sarah had their first (onscreen) petty fight, which she brings to the family dinner. OooOOoOOoOo, what a saucy Monday. Also, people are already comparing Trisha’s counselling session to Kath & Kim and it’s amazing.

So, if you haven’t noticed – Justin and Carly aren’t quite…meshin’ in a genuine way. One might say Carly’s not attracted to Justin but don’t say that to Trisha. The love expert sat down one on two for a very intense touchy, touchy sesh. For reals, she instructed the couple to touch each other…over and over again in the hopes that they would magically be in love afterwards.

Justin gave an awkward, “Where’s this going Trish?” and the answer? The bed, it’s going to the bedroom. Then, and I am not shitting you – Trisha teaches them how to SPOON…also to communicate about the spooning, but mostly to spoon.

If these hot tips don’t help, Trisha told Justin to buy Carly lingerie, or send sexy text messages to each other, or even a massage could help do the trick. I feel like this is the advice a dad would give his son in 1930???? Except it’d be sexy messages over the telegraph.

You can watch a snippet of the uncomfortable touching here:

Now please enjoy this Kath & Kim comparison:

The accuracy, though.

Anyway, now to Telv and Sarah. So…I guess the gist of this is that Sarah was trying to talk to Telv but Telv was laughing on Snapchat then Sarah got pissed and didn’t talk to him. Then, Telv got super confused ‘cos he didn’t know what happened and then kinda apologises, kinda doesn’t, then Sarah gets even more upset and brings their problems to the family dinner ‘cos that’ll fix it. Then, the weird fight gets moved to the bathroom for a quality shit and DnM and when Sarah says, “I feel so far away from you right now,” Telv delivers a very sarcastic line of, “I feel the same ‘cos we haven’t talked in twenty-four hours”…I mean, he said it.

There’s more useless discussion but pretty much, Telv gets pissed ‘cos he doesn’t understand why they’re arguing and Sarah’s upset that he’s not getting it and the entire thing is just a waste of a time, TBH.

You can enjoy the bathroom scene below.

Mmm, well that was strange.

Anyway, here’s Troy.

Can’t scramble eggs, can’t fruit properly, what’s next?

Image: Channel 9 / Married At First Sight