Here’s A Run Down Of The Absolute Shitpile That Is Dean / Davina On ‘MAFS’

I don’t watch Married At First Sight. This isn’t because I’m high-brow and refuse to stoop to reality TV lows. Haha! Funny joke! I fucking love reality TV, I just find I’m never home/around a TV when this trash-fire show is on.

Man, I wish I’d kept up with this season because the amount of times I’ve heard “Dean“, “Davina“, “Tracey” and “cheating” in the same sentence… well, my greatest weakness is wanting ALL the gossip, ALL the time, so you can imagine how frustrating not being across this drama is for me.

Mainly to find a way that I could use my time at work to also further my reality TV knowledge, I decided to write you all a concise wrap of exactly what’s going on with these guys.

Take note that I too am learning as I go here, so don’t come yelling at me in the comments for making a mistake with some plot points – that will only make you look stupid, you know. Like, is it a win in life to be deeply knowledgable on MAFS? No, it is not.

DEAN

Dean is a dickhead of the highest order. Here’s the only example you need of this.

“My perfect wife would be tall, beautiful, brunette. Definitely, like, a slim girl and loving your make-up and nice shoes. That’s what women are all about. And like, that’s what us as men are attracted to.”

That’s from episode one, when he was paired with Tracey, his now “wife” in the show. Wait I want to give you another absolute pearler.

“In a relationship I feel like I need to be the leader because I’m the man. I got no problem being the man. I like to be in charge of what we do and our life. Men have lost a little bit of their masculinity in Australia.”

I would like an opportunity to kick Dean in his ~masculine~ balls, please.

Anyway, important info: Dean is very Alpha Male, very jerky, very much under some flawed impression that he deserves the hottest brunette alive.

TRACEY

Tracey seems like Dean’s perfect match. Read this:

“I’m an old-fashioned girl and I like to look after my man like he’s the man.”

Dean! Tracey! You’re clearly meant to be! Go make some babies with terrible sexist views of life.

Tracey has a kid, which she surprised Dean with the news of on their “wedding day”. He wasn’t super enthused, so their relationship started off quiiiite rocky because of it.

DAVINA

Davina likes to mention she has 200k followers on Instagram and also talk about her lip fillers and boobs. She is everything you imagine an Instafamous-but-not-really-famous model to be.

Davina immediately took a dislike to Ryan, her MAFS husband, literally leaning away from their wedding kiss. So that gives you an idea of their relationship’s beginnings.

We don’t need to talk about Ryan bc he does not matter in this narrative.

DEAN AND TRACEY

So, Dean and Tracey were not in a good way in the beginning. Basically, Dean was not keen at all – sneaking off during their honeymoon dinner to bitch on to the cameras about how blah Tracey was, in his opinion.

They boned on their honeymoon (and there was a truly horrific handycam footage segment we shall never speak of again) but Dean is only keen when Tracey’s talking sex. Like when she said she has experience in swinging.

“Look, to be completely honest. If I look at my gut, I’m very, very sceptical,” he says at one point out in the garden of their honeymoon pad.

So basically – Dean kinda likes Tracey but also not really.

DAVINA AND RYAN

Davina is just as terrible a human being as Dean. Ryan’s pretty decent – he’s nice, he’s sort of funny-ish. But Davina spends literally the whole beginning of their relationship pouting and being a giant adult baby.

There’s less to say about these guys because it’s much more clean-cut that Davina is just absolutely NO about Ryan, although she does bone him. So there’s that, I guess?

THE DRAMA

So,at the first couple’s dinner shit starts to go south. This is basically where all the couples gather and meet each other/let all their private shit fly in truly spectacular fashion. And fly it fucking does – Davina literally tells Ryan she wishes she had a different husband. Then lets fly this corker pre-dinner.

“If there was someone at tonight’s dinner party that I was interested in, I would pursue that.”

At the actual party, she’s literally just telling everyone how much she dislikes him. Cool.

Dean and Tracey walk in and no joke, it’s like Davina is a character in one of these Mills & Boon books we read for you for fun. Like permanently horny from the get-go.

“Mmmm I can’t wait ’til we all live together, mmm we can all sleep with each other.”

It takes Dean all of two seconds to tell everyone he’s not keen on Tracey and he’d rather bone Davina. This is at the other end of the table, btw – so Tracey’s oblivious.

Davina is also telling all the girls (sans Tracey) this:

“I think Deano is an absolute babe. When it comes to stealing husbands, there’s only one I want to steal.”

This is met with a whole heap of judgement so yes, Dean and Davina are definitely this season’s villains.

Anyway, Dean then tells the group psychologist (yeah, MAFS has one of those it’s weird) in front of Tracey that he’s not vibing their relationship. Tracey’s shocked. Then Davina hears of it and acts extremely shocked to the point where it’s obvious she’s not shocked.

Last night, things went from relatively on fire to an absolute carnage disaster zone. Davina firstly decided to have a D&M with Tracey – yeah, Tracey, Dean’s WIFE. She literally sits down with her and lets Tracey tell her how sweet Dean has been in their relationship. OOOOOH MY GOD.

“I genuinely enjoy talking to you, probably out of everyone. I feel like you and I are very similar,” she tells Tracey. This is surely sociopathic, right?

Later, when someone tells Tracey Dean’s probs not her dude, Davina literally scoots over and starts giving some pearlers of wisdom specifically to turn Tracey off Dean. I mean, you can’t make this stuff up.

“I feel like Dean may not be your perfect person. Whatever he’s doing right now, he’s thinking about himself. It would make YOU look worse if he dragged this on for three weeks. You need to stop.”

Next minute Davina’s canoodling with Dean down the end of the table, making plans to rendezvous elsewhere.

“I really wanna kiss you right now,” she tells him. Pretty soon this is the situation outside.

And then Dean cements himself as the worst dude on the planet.

“No offence to Tracey, but her looks are not her best quality,” he tells Davina.

SOMEONE. ANYONE. LET ME KICK THIS GUY IN THE BALL REGION, PLEASE I BEG YOU.

So that’s where we are at. Exciting times, no?

 

More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV