Hellooooooo Love Island tragics! It is your fearless leaders, Mel (Senior Style & Features Editor here at P.TV) and Josie (my boss lady and Editor here) back at it again with our mad ramblings we like to pretend are recaps, but are really just us lying in bed looking at our phones like this while we group chat:

Annnyway there’s plenty to scream over on this godforsaken show – last night we had the fallout from Grant choosing Tayla, which essentially involves him being a shit-cunt and dry humping Tayla right in front of ex Cassidy. Lovely dude. We also saw a newbie enter the villa and a “game” that’ll put you off bananas forever! Great! Let’s get into it.

JOSIE: Mate I’m here. Reluctantly watching the Bikini and Southern Cross Tattoo Show. Also known as Love Island Australia. This kissing on this show is so dramatic, like do you need to straddle him in the bathroom, Tayla.

why stand when you can be porny

MEL: Omg the aftermath of Grant and Tayla being demons! I just caught up – honestly, fuck that guy. Although I see Josh is embracing his toxic masculinity by whinging that Tayla didn’t want to bone him. JUST BECAUSE SHE WAS MILDLY INTERESTED DOESN’T MEAN SHE HAS TO DATE YOU, MATE. However, Tayla is still a demon.

JOSIE: They were all “everyone hates us who cares” and then started tonguing each other everywhere. Also I’m slightly behind – there’s two random super hot blokes here who are they? Elias with the Harry Styles circa 2015 hair?

MEL: Elias aka Greek God of my sex dreams, and John James – man with two first names. Can I just say, Cassidy absolutely dodged a bullet. I can’t believe Grant’s soullessness.

JOSIE: I’m just baffled by the way Grant at all times likes to kiss really intensely. Because he’s sucking out souls like the demon he is. I feel for Cassidy but I also wish she would stop whinging and just wrap her legs around Elias in the bathroom?

MEL: SAME. Babe you got a way hotter and less-demony partner, enjoy it. Also she’s being too nice with her “I don’t want anyone to take sides” shit. Lol as if, I’d be like MY SIDE OR DIE ASSHOLES!

JOSIE: Same I’d make and distribute TEAM JOSIE t-shirts immediately.

MEL: I’d be creating a fire pit and getting everyone to carry them in for a sacrifice. Hahaha Justin just can’t be normal. Just say one normal thing Justin.

JOSIE: When he was like “WOMAN CODE” over and over again. Doll it’s Girl Code, don’t try to be woke. I’ve decided he’s a robot like my beloved Michael from Bachie, and just says things he thinks he’s supposed to say.

MEL: Yeah the producers are like “put Justin in stupid fun mode NO NO someone’s started a deep and meaningful with him, turn the dial to serious! Turn it quick before viewers catch on!”

JOSIE: *Justin starts beeping and his arm falls off* “Ah for fucks sake I told you not to change his setting!”

MEL: DON’T LET HIM NEAR THE WATER!

quick he’s malfunctioning someone poured a pina colada on his control box

JOSIE: Hahahaha. So because I’ve missed 175 episodes, what’s the vibe, is Millie even into him or is it a marriage of convenience?

MEL: Millie’s just saved him I’m fairly sure. She was into Elias a BIT, but seems kinda whatever now. I have a feeling she’s holding out for fresh blood. Wow. Fresh blood. Am I ok?

JOSIE: Uh, Mel? Are you a demon? Okay that little exchange just there between Cassidy and Tayla, where Tayla tried to talk to her and Cass was like “babe I just need more time until I grant you to honour of a conversation”.

MEL: Yeah what the fuck?

JOSIE: Like Cass had been with Grant for five seconds. It was a dog act by Tayla and Grant but doll, move along.

MEL: The I JUST NEED MORE TIME was a touch too far.

JOSIE: I like the way guys do it, Josh and Grant just hashed it out.

MEL: Definitely move along. Although also I straight up would not chat to Tayla ever again but I’m a petty bitch.

JOSIE: I’d just hear her out and look flinty, and then never talk to her again. Saying you “need more time” makes you look like you’re moping. And Elias! So hot! I’m about to get on the plane to fucken Spain. Me, in my Metallica shirt with the hole in the shoulder, faded tracksuit pants and ratty old socks.

MEL: I can’t believe she just made Elias a mate. I think he was semi interested until she gave him the strong “just friends” line of “I’ll prepare you for the woman of your dreams to walk in”. She is mad. When she was PICKING AT BLACKHEADS ON HIS BACK!? In saying that I really like squeezing blackheads from boyfriend’s backs so I was really jealous.

ooh that was a big one

JOSIE: I was living for Natasha getting Elias ready for the date. So cute.

MEL: I have to say – Grant and Tayla could be less rude. Like hi maybe don’t check each others tonsils and lie on top of each other right in front of Cassidy? Maybe? Idk?

I don’t think Cassidy’s upset enough, maybe put your hand down my pants

JOSIE: Totally agree. They’re grot.

MEL: Have I lost it – Justin is a bit cute when he was all “I just want someone to walk in who likes me and gets my sense of humour and can be silly and fun”. That’s actually so nice considering everyone else is like A RIG. I WANT A RIG AND BOOBS.

JOSIE: And the girls are like I WANT A TRADIE. WITH TATTOOS. Oi what happened to the girl with the bikini + detachable skirt from Episode 1?

MEL: The detachable skirt girl is Kim, the poor man’s Sophie Monk. She was semi into Charlie but then chose John James, the man with two first names.

JOSIE: Speaking of ridiculous names: FRANÇOISE. 20 bucks says Françoise’s real name is Sheryl. Also – say MALBERN one more time Sheryl I dare you.

omg you’re from MALBERN i’m from MALBERN too what part of MALBERN do you live in

MEL: Françoise is absolutely not French.

JOSIE: I’m sorry but I have lost my Elias love. His date with Françoise/Sheryl was the worst date ever.

MEL: Oh god, I know. I would have fallen asleep into my mai tai.

JOSIE: Although he did choose wine over beer, and then I was a bit like WINE okay I love you again.

MEL: Honestly the electricity between those two couldn’t even power a small night light. And – UM I’M SORRY HE DOESN’T LIKE PIZZA OR PASTA!?

JOSIE: He doesn’t like pizza or pasta. We are done here. Mel, I’m scared. Aliens are among us.

MEL: Are there humans that don’t like pizza or pasta? This is a revelation. I don’t like it let’s go the aliens theory.

JOSIE: I’m quaking. I won’t accept it. LOL at his take on the date. “It was fun”. Elias I’ve had Pap smears that were more zesty than that date. New topic – can I say I just love Erin because she just says what is in her brain. She’s unashamedly a psycho.

MEL: 100% she is mad and I’m here for it. She’s like “leave me Eden and I’ll cut your dick off on live television”.

*subtly locates nearest dick-severing weapon*

JOSIE: It’s incredible.

MEL: I cannot handle John James, and I missed whatever bit explained his dual first name.

JOSIE: Does John Joseph have an accent? He sounds like a Wild West sheriff.

MEL: John James. John Jenjamin. Whatever. James Jericho.

JOSIE: Jenjamin.

Jamberoo Jilberson

MEL: Jomson Jesticle. He’s getting a new name every time that’s it.

JOSIE: Jenedict Jumberbatch.

MEL: Whyyy is New Françoise playing “guess how old I am, I’m ancient!” with every dude? 28 isn’t old? She’s essentially like “Hi I’m 28 I’m basically going through menopause”.

JOSIE: I’m 28 and neither of my hips are real. I’m 28 and I picked up a lovely cemetery plot on the weekend.

MEL: I’m 28 can you hold my dentures for a minute.

I KNOW I LOOK SO YOUNG RIGHT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

JOSIE: I’m 28 and here’s pictures of my 15 cats. There is no way in the world her name is actually Françoise. And how’s Jason Jonovan “OH YES IM 6’2” DID I MENTION THAT?”. Also I reckon Jichael Jordan 1000% looks like a life coach / personal trainer with his own business in Bondi.

MEL: If that isn’t his occupation I’ll eat my pyjama top. Grant binning Tayla for Françoise would make my life though. He was defs checking her out.

JOSIE: Yeah he literally said “She’s hort”. Like that.

MEL: Omg when Tayla was all “Grant better not dump me for the new girl” or whatever? TAYLA. HONEY. YOU JUST SNAKED SOMEONE ELSE’S DUDE YOU HAVE NOT ONE LEG TO STAND ON HERE.

JOSIE: Maybe that’s why she straddles Grant constantly because she has no legs to stand on. When Elias and Sheryl were catchcing up at the villa, I was dying over his reaction to her boring tidbit about holiday to Renmark. He was so distracted and blah up until that moment and then just exploded in the brain. “RENMARK I WILL STRAIGHT UP KILL YOU FRANÇOISE! MY GODDDD MY MUM IS FROM THERE!” Also, can we play a drinking game where we take a shot every time someone says MALBERN.

MEL: Hahahaha absolutely.

JOSIE: Because I really want to go into liver failure. Also is Tayla secretly Kayla Istines? Why is Jack Johnson panting? So many questions.

MEL: He did seem to be constantly panting hey? Meanwhile, Justin needs to stop begging people to tell him he’s funny. You immediately become unfunny when you need people to tell you you’re funny hope you enjoyed my TED talk. Back to Jombert Jettison – he needs to not be in a serial killer bomber jacket.

I’m confused about who I like and also, who I want to dismember tonight

JOSIE: I’ve decided he’s the serial murderer of the series.

MEL: Really? I would have thought your money was on Justin bc maybe his goober personality is a ruse.

JOSIE: Nah he’s the robot in fun mode. Oh my god let’s talk banana game. Eden and Erin are so horny.

MEL: They’re SO horny I kind of love it.

JOSIE: Same. Also why were Grant and Tayla re-enacting their banana round in the diary room? WE SAW IT. WE’RE WATCHING THE SHOW.

MEL: Hahaha and their re-enactment was terrible too, like what were they even saying. “AND THEN I LEANED LIKE THIS! AND HE HELD MY HEAD HERE!” *cackles into oblivion*.

JOSIE: Also I just realised I have no idea what the aim of this game was.

extremely normal adult behaviour

MEL: You don’t break the banana but for some reason you must roll all over the wet grass too with it between your mouths.

JOSIE: Ah yes. Classic team building activity of old.

MEL: Also, after all that gross banana behaviour their prize is… banana daiquiris? I cannot think of ONE time I’ve wanted a banana daiquiri, let alone straight after slobbering all over a whole banana and smooshing it into wet grass. Good lord.

JOSIE: This is really bitchy. But Tayla is so annoying and smug, I can’t wait for Grant to literally toss her down the cliff side when a semi-attractive girl walks in and looks at him.

MEL: Same even though Grant was the fuckhead since he was with Cassidy, it’s still shit how smug Tayla is being around Cassidy. Like no tact at all. So I want them both to get fucked over.

JOSIE: Yeah I hate him. But Tayla’s irritating me too now.

MEL: Ahahahaha when they just showed Cassidy scrolling through photos of her “mates” in the villa all sad and shit? Outstanding areas. She barely knows these people.

how could my good friends Tyler and Graham play me like this

JOSIE: OMG. THERE’S A CAT.

MEL: Omg yes Josie the cat is famous. They always film it.

JOSIE: WHO IS IT!?

the zesty Irish narrator in his true form

MEL: I think it’s a feral cat but I know you would just be like bye guys I’m coupling with the cat.

JOSIE: Yes I’d 100% be like “Elias get out of the bed that’s Mr Tibbles’ spot”.

MEL: Okkk I have to go put my 40 face creams on because I’m 32, and therefore I’m basically dead in Françoise terms.

JOSIE: Same, I need to go to sleep because I’m 32 and ancient and at 9.40pm, it’s 40 min past my bedtime.

MEL: Til next week moite.

Image: Channel Nine