Oh man, guys. Love Island Australia is more of a study in what happens to human beings when you shove them into close quarters than it is a reality TV show at this point. Honestly, these people have BLOODY LOST IT. After Thursday’s Justin/Elias eviction, they’ve all cooked it.
We open with some moody shots of fire (guys, it’s to hint at the drama to COME, get it?) and then we have Mac, who has literally been in this place for under a week, having a really intense d&m with Grant and Josh.
Grant literally says to her “I fear for this house, honestly”. Have these people forgotten that those evicted just get to go to a nice hotel room and then fly back to their friends and family? They’re not going off to be carved into tiny pieces and fed to the sharks in the Mallorca ocean, mate.
Josh continues the intensity by shoving his finger around in this fashion:
He’s all up in Erin/Eden‘s grill saying he stands by their decision, but it’s in this really full-on way. “WHAT was the QUESTION, guys? WHO WILL *LEAVE* THIS *VILLA* with a GIRLFRIEND”. Everyone just needs to calm the fuck down, have some margaritas, chill out. You know?
Then Erin starts some shit she absolutely didn’t need to start. It’s that whole thing where you get wound up with mates and it’s like, if I go to bed now, it’s likely everything will chill and the whole drama will seem silly. OR I could just blow my lid and fuck shit up in the group chat and then everyone will be mad at everyone else!
She yells out to Tayla and Millie to ask them why they told people they’d never speak to Eden and Erin again if they kicked out Justin. Brilliant stuff. Tayla starts yabbering on about heat of the moment but Eden’s absolutely not having it. Millie looks like her husband has just been shipped off to war.
Everyone just starts screaming at each other and even though Tayla’s TOTALLY got a handle on the bullshit Eden’s flying at her and is holding her own, Grant OFC decides to step in and start some fisticuffs at dawn.
It’s broken up in seconds, and then there’s excellent MAYDAY, MAYDAY sound effects with flashes of Grant and Eden looking murderous.
To her credit, Tayla breaks down not because Eden was yelling at her, but because she hated Grant getting all physical punch-on to defend her. Honestly why is she with Grant, this is absolutely the bullshit he pulls on the regular.
Anyway it all blows over within hours and everyone’s pals again. BORING! I wanted to see someone get accidentally-on-purpose tripped over into a comical pile of garbage or something. Honestly, producers – hear me out. Make a big pile of garbage and tell the housemates the garbos haven’t come this week, whatever – any excuse. Then play some brainwashing chants into Eden’s ear to encourage him to trip Grant into it. Easy pease, everyone wins. Except Grant.
Moving along – Jax is back to being suuuuper intense with the ladies, coming on too hard to Millie who clearly couldn’t give two shits about him.
It ends sweetly though, kind of. Ugh, IDK I think I’ve gotten too invested in this show but anyway, Jaxon reveals he struggled with ADD as a kid and that’s why he’s so hyper, Millie thinks it’s sweet he revealed this to her and it’s helped her to see him in a new light, maybe.
THEN, THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS.
AGAJSGDKWGDKSBGFKLSGD.
Honestly these people. HOW can you be in love, you’ve been locked up in a cage-house for a few weeks! NO! Stop that!
Anyway they’re stoked so fine, I guess. Meanwhile Francoise has completely broken down, which is actually mildly concerning but look, I’m sure there’s psychologists who know more than me watching these people closely. She keeps crying over Elias, who she barely enjoyed, who has suddenly become her “one very good friend in here” and “stimulated her brain”. Ok.
Then all the bros bro-down in the most bro-y way possible, by competing in a push-up competition.
There’s this astonishingly delusional convo between Jaxon and Millie where Millie could NOT be letting him down more, in a polite fashion, by sitting 400 metres away from him and emphasising the fact she doesn’t have romantic feelings. He somehow takes this extremely 0 on the scale of sexually interested convo as “planting a seed to make a flower takes time”. Good lord.
The convo ends with her going “MATE! BUDDY OLD PAL!” so like, take the fucking hint Jaxon yeah?
Then there’s a very unsubtle excuse to get the islanders to pole dance, where doing so gets them the chance to guess how much the public likes them/thinks they’re in a good couple/whatever. Not much comes from this except no one wants Tayla with Grant, and a shitload of us think Grant will be unfaithful to her if they DO stay together.
They have a deep discussion about it and decide everyone can get fucked.
Meanwhile there is NO COUPLE IN EXISTENCE who have less of a vibe than Mac and Josh, who have a long convo no one needed to be privy to about how they have a vibe that they do not actually, in any way, have.
There’s also the convo we all knew was gonna happen, where Dom reveals he couldn’t want to hook up with Cassidy less. She thinks they’re taking it slow, he thinks he’s just waiting for a girl he actually likes to come in. This will absolutely end very well.
TBH Dom is quite full of himself with the “if we kiss you’ll get attached” bullshit. Like hi mate, calm down. EVERYONE IN THIS ENTIRE PLACE CALM DOWN ON MULTIPLE LEVELS FFS.
Anyway then the new islander enters the villa disguised as a DJ. Which is just bizarre and fantastic.
He is clearly going to be one of those “fuck codes I want to stir shit up” types which is great bc everyone’s being so bloody boring and polite these days – he chooses to take Erin on a date which naturally incenses Eden.
What should really incense Eden is this hair.
Look man in this place has good hair rn but that is NEXT LEVEL. Someone sit the poor boy down and lecture him on gel use, for the love of god. Or just shave it all off when he’s sleeping, IDK.
Anyway tonight Eden loses it again! Even though Erin is totally loyal to him and this new guy didn’t even hit on her! UGH.
